Have you ever been robbed? I had. Three times. It pissed me off.
The first time, three Romanian decided to break one of my car’s window and took my wallet with all of my papers in it. They acted during the night. I think it was around 2 am. The next morning, when I saw the car, I got furious. I was so mad I broke down.
The second time, it was in my building. At that time, my mother used to visit me at crazy hours like 2 am or 4 am. So when a group of young adults rang at my door for ten minutes, I opened, thinking it was my mother. So, they entered in the building, I waited for ‘my mother’ to knock at my door but ‘she’ didn’t. They went upstairs and knocked loudly at a door. The guy they visited didn’t open them. So they left. And when they left, they took my bike. A gift from someone who doesn’t give me a lot of gift. So I took care of it. Well, until they stole it. When I discovered it disappeared, I was upset. I was pissed off. But I didn’t cry.
The last time, it was few days ago. Someone went into my car and stole every CDs in it. There was around fifteen, maybe, twenty albums. Some of them were gifts, others weren’t mine.
After each time, I got mad at humanity. And myself. Each time, I felt stupid to be robbed, like it was my fault. That’s the reason why I broke down the first time. I blamed myself. I blame myself to trust people. To think everyone is good and won’t steal from other. To think there was still people who knew the difference between good and bad. I blame myself to be naive at those moments. I blame myself to think there’s still humanity in this world. Then I wondered: why would people steal? What is the point? Why would they do that? Don’t they have any pride or even courage to find a job and pay for what they want? Instead they just steal from those who worked hard to have what they have. It’s cowardly.
I lose a lil bit of faith in humanity everytime I am robbed. The reason I’m talking about this is, this morning, I got wake up by a call from my house owner. He told me that my door was open and there were clothes next to the trash. I started to think of every valuable thing that was in my apartment. I made a list In my head and I tried to remember if I took a picture of them for the assurance. He told me he would go check out for me, because he was closer than me to my flat, and he will call me back. One hour has passed. I thought about how would i react if someone got in my house? The only place where I feel safe. How could I feel safe after that? Then i received a call. My owner again. He told me it was nothing, it was his fault: he didn’t locked correctly the door but no one came in or took anything. I was relieved. So was he. He scared the hell out of me. For one hour, I was down. My thoughts ran in my head, the same question came back over and over again: why? Why would they do that?
I thought with time, I would’ve find the answer. I thought wrong. I still don’t know. But what I found something else. If I don’t wanna see that happens again, i have to change something. And i know exactly how to do so.
In the end, i think i don’t loose faith in humanity everytime. Au contraire, i think it gets stronger.or my conviction gets stronger. I don’t really see the difference for now.
Have you ever been robbed? I had. Three times. It made me stronger
What is your pace?
I was told I am weird. It might be true. Actually I’m sure I am. Sometimes I don’t react or act the same way as everyone else does. It might not be a problem or piss someone off. And I don’t understand why. I’m different, so what?
When I look around me, I see everyone moving so fast. Like there is a fire behind them and if they slow down for a couple of second, they’re gonna burn. Slow down. Why being so hurried? Even when they have lunch with a friend, they are so fast. I don’t get it. Ok, maybe at work, your boss want you to work fast because, as they say, time is money. But when you’re off work, why d’you keep doing everything fast? It’s like they don’t know to take a break. Or if they do, it’s gonna be quick. I was told I am slow. I don’t think that’s entirely right. Maybe I am slow. I admit sometimes, I do things slowly. Because I don’t feel any rush of doing those things. But people are way too fast. They do everything so quickly, what for? So you can do more? Ok, but do you enjoy doing what you do? I’m sure even when they’re supposed to do something they love, they don’t take time to enjoy that moment and appreciate it. Even if they want to take time, they will get bored in five minutes.
There’s a song with a chorus that represent exactly the way I wanna live. The chorus says: “Life’s fast. I just wanna take it really slow” (Save Ferris by MayDay!) It’s simple, and yet, not everybody understand that. It’s strange.
What is your pace? I don’t rush but I’m not slow. Let’s say I’m in the middle.
How do you sleep at night?
I have insomnia. I don’t sleep very well. By that I mean that I hardly find sleep and when I do, I do weird dreams and when I wake up, i’m still tired and preoccupied.
Almost every night, before I sleep, I always start to think about my life: about what I have been through, what I have accomplished, what I have failed and most importantly what is going to happen. All of that strike me right when I wanna sleep. And when I think about all of that, it’s for hours, not just minutes like I enumerate every big moments of my life. No. I review everything that led me to that precise moment. Like a movie. My mind don’t or can’t rest properly. It always has to be active otherwise it’ll die.
It started, like, two years ago. I changed my cursus and since I started a new formation, I started to get worry about my future. Because, I have to admit, I don’t love what I do. I don’t hate it either. It’s just that I’m not enjoying every aspects of this job. But it’s ok. I don’t consider it as a total negative point of my life. It’s just a job after all. After work, I can do whatever I want. It’s not the issue.
The thing is that before, I could clearly see what my future is going to be. I could see myself old with people around me, happy, in peace and success full in achieving my dream. But now… It’s just blurred. I can’t even figure out what I’m going to do tomorrow. I live day after day without making any long term plan. It’s like I gave up on something. Maybe myself. I walk in the street like a ghost: nobody sees me and I don’t want anybody sees me. I do everything I can to be unseen, transparent.
Why? (i was about to say: it’s simple, but it’s not really simple. Well, for me, it is simple. But you might not see it the same way) I don’t feel like I belong here. By here, I mean on Earth, amongst the living people. I have that weird impression that I have no reason to live. I don’t worth it. I don’t deserve everything that happens to me. I don’t deserve to live. Because I don’t have a big propice. I don’t plan on doing a remarkable thing or on being a huge artist that everyone will look up to. I’m not planning on improving my life. As matter as a fact, I like my life the way it is. I don’t want to change a thing. Maybe that’s why I don’t do much. And maybe that’s why I think I don’t deserve it. Because, somewhere, around the world, there is one person, or more, that has a difficult life, could easily improve it and do big things if he/she was in my shoes. And I’m just wasting it. Like: why am I here? What is the point of me living the way I live? What am I supposed to do? Living wealthily while others are starving? Or killed for no reason? What am I supposed to do? Is it even right for me to wake up every day without worrying about my survival? Is that right?
And I fall asleep.
Those questions are left unanswered and I can’t talk about it with people around me. They won’t understand. So I’m looking for answer by myself but I don’t know where to start. And every night, those questions cone back and I think about it for about two hours before I sleep. I don’t know what to do. It’s endless.
You’re gonna say: inspire yourself with those who thought about it before you. Watch the greatest men that stood for what they believed was the right thing. You’re maybe right. I should be inspire by them. But I don’t have their personality. It’s not the way I am. I’m not a leader. I’m more a spectator than anything else. I don’t like being under the spotlight. I prefer staying in the shadow. I’m a shadow. I’d rather helping someone succeed and shine than succeed myself and shine. So as a shadow, what can I do? If I don’t have a light to shine, what can I do? I looked for one. Well, I’m still looking.
How do you sleep at night? Me? Not very well.
What’s your dream? Or if you are more pragmatic: what’s the biggest goal in your life? Personally, i don’t have any. At least, i don’t think i have one.
I always admired people who lived for their dream, their goal, people who are planning their entire life to accomplish that big dream. When i look around me, i have that weird feeling that everyone, every single soul has a propice. Every step they make is full of confidence like they arleady know what is going to happen to them, like they know their destiny and nothing can be on their way. It seems like they can’t fail. And some people never fail. Which is good for them. But others, unfortunately, stumble and fall. In that situation, there are two types of person: the ones who just give up and complain all the time about their failure or the ones who rise again, keep fighting until they succeed. For those who gave up, they are divised in two groups: some of them will find an other path where they will be fine but not happy and some of them will just go wrong, stuck in a negative spiral. They can’t escape it. Or they don’t want to. And i feel like those people need help to get better. Even if they don’t ask for it or if they refuse to be helped. The successful ones can help them. But not everyone has that instinct reaction to help people without asking anything in return. I find it strange… and sad.
Which is why i always try to do my best to improve someone else’s life. Even if he/she didn’t ask anything. I try to be nice, thankfull and… just being polite. I’m kind to others. Some people would see that as a weakness but i disagree with them. Being friendly, kind, nice to someone doesn’t mean you are weak. It just means you are friendly, kind, nice. Nothing else. With that in mind, the same people put a cold face, they behave like they are unbreakable and cool, like no one cares but me. They forbid themselves to act nicely. That’s just ridiculous. People are so distrustful, they always think about themselves first. It’s like if they don’t think about them first, they’re going to die. It became a survival matter. If they don’t think that way, they will be eaten by others. Which is crazy. Not everyone is a threat or aggressiv. But i agree with you: not everyone is nice either.
That’s why, everytime i meet someone new, i’m trying to be neutral around him/her. I don’t totally reject him/her but i don’t overtrust either. I act with respect by talking like he/she’s my equal and not above or below me. And in my mind, by doing that, he/she is going to do the same. I see people like monkeys: they start to act in a certain way only when they saw someone else doing it before. And i feel like i am the first monkey who show the others another way of behaving. I have that feeling that it’s my responsability.
What’s your dream? Or if you are more pragmatic: what’s the biggest goal in your life? Personally, i don’t have any. I am that dream.