How do you sleep at night?
I have insomnia. I don’t sleep very well. By that I mean that I hardly find sleep and when I do, I do weird dreams and when I wake up, i’m still tired and preoccupied.
Almost every night, before I sleep, I always start to think about my life: about what I have been through, what I have accomplished, what I have failed and most importantly what is going to happen. All of that strike me right when I wanna sleep. And when I think about all of that, it’s for hours, not just minutes like I enumerate every big moments of my life. No. I review everything that led me to that precise moment. Like a movie. My mind don’t or can’t rest properly. It always has to be active otherwise it’ll die.
It started, like, two years ago. I changed my cursus and since I started a new formation, I started to get worry about my future. Because, I have to admit, I don’t love what I do. I don’t hate it either. It’s just that I’m not enjoying every aspects of this job. But it’s ok. I don’t consider it as a total negative point of my life. It’s just a job after all. After work, I can do whatever I want. It’s not the issue.
The thing is that before, I could clearly see what my future is going to be. I could see myself old with people around me, happy, in peace and success full in achieving my dream. But now… It’s just blurred. I can’t even figure out what I’m going to do tomorrow. I live day after day without making any long term plan. It’s like I gave up on something. Maybe myself. I walk in the street like a ghost: nobody sees me and I don’t want anybody sees me. I do everything I can to be unseen, transparent.
Why? (i was about to say: it’s simple, but it’s not really simple. Well, for me, it is simple. But you might not see it the same way) I don’t feel like I belong here. By here, I mean on Earth, amongst the living people. I have that weird impression that I have no reason to live. I don’t worth it. I don’t deserve everything that happens to me. I don’t deserve to live. Because I don’t have a big propice. I don’t plan on doing a remarkable thing or on being a huge artist that everyone will look up to. I’m not planning on improving my life. As matter as a fact, I like my life the way it is. I don’t want to change a thing. Maybe that’s why I don’t do much. And maybe that’s why I think I don’t deserve it. Because, somewhere, around the world, there is one person, or more, that has a difficult life, could easily improve it and do big things if he/she was in my shoes. And I’m just wasting it. Like: why am I here? What is the point of me living the way I live? What am I supposed to do? Living wealthily while others are starving? Or killed for no reason? What am I supposed to do? Is it even right for me to wake up every day without worrying about my survival? Is that right?
And I fall asleep.
Those questions are left unanswered and I can’t talk about it with people around me. They won’t understand. So I’m looking for answer by myself but I don’t know where to start. And every night, those questions cone back and I think about it for about two hours before I sleep. I don’t know what to do. It’s endless.
You’re gonna say: inspire yourself with those who thought about it before you. Watch the greatest men that stood for what they believed was the right thing. You’re maybe right. I should be inspire by them. But I don’t have their personality. It’s not the way I am. I’m not a leader. I’m more a spectator than anything else. I don’t like being under the spotlight. I prefer staying in the shadow. I’m a shadow. I’d rather helping someone succeed and shine than succeed myself and shine. So as a shadow, what can I do? If I don’t have a light to shine, what can I do? I looked for one. Well, I’m still looking.
How do you sleep at night? Me? Not very well.