Did you ever truly missed someone? I did.
Someone just told me that she miss me. I don’t understand it. I’m not insensitive. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I don’t see what in me can be missed. I don’t get why. Or maybe, I’m not used to it.
I spend my life traveling. Well not really traveling, I just moved a lot. More than once at least. I made friends along the way but each time I moved, I didn’t keep touch with them. Not all of them. It’s hard and weird at the same time. Hard in the way that I’m shy or I don’t talk to stranger easily. And weird because… Somehow I find it weird.
In every city, i entered in a new, unknown world. With people, kids who knew each other since they’re born. Maybe not since they’re born but since their childhood. They had their habits, their own code, language and jokes. They knew where each of them lives. They spend most of their time together. Their parents know everyone’s parents. When I came in, I was the new kid. The stranger. The blank page. The first time, I changed school, the director put me in the back of the playground. Five minutes has passed. Few kids started to stare and point in my direction. Two minutes later, I was surrounded by the whole school. The same questions came to my hears again and again: where do you come from? What’s your name? Do you wanna be my friend? In which class are you going? I could barely answer to them. Then the bell saved me. A little more and I drowned. During that year, I made friends. But I wasn’t specifically close to one of them.
Then I moved again. I didn’t say goodbye to them or even tell them that I left. My first contact with the new school was completely different. I was next to a small playground where the director was about to call every name to put them in a class. All the kids of my age waited also. I looked around and they were watching me, whispering and kept moving. Then a boy came to me. He asked me where I lived. At that time, I didn’t know, because I just moved in and I didn’t memorize my new address. So I told him: ‘I don’t know’. He looked at me and insulted me. I didn’t understand why. But I didn’t want to cause any troubles so I let it go. Later that year, the same boy became my friend and he told me that he thought I was crazy at the beginning of the year, because I didn’t know my address, but now he know it’s because I was new in town. I laughed. I spend six years in that town. I made some friends, some supposed close friends. Supposed because today, I don’t speak to them anymore. Well not all of them. There is one guy, which I used to date, that I still talk to. Some times to times. He became my best friend. Well, one of my friends. Because I don’t really know what that means.
Then I moved for the third time. My last year of high school. I spend it in a new town. It was… Cold. I think that’s the word. The first person who came to talk to me was a girl If I recall correctly. She explained to me how the school worked and how to get to my different classrooms. She was nice but she didn’t like the classmates we were in. So she asked to change class and they gave her what she wanted. It was the beginning of the year so I guess it wasn’t important. I stopped talking to her the next day. I didn’t see her anymore. Then, while I was sitting outside minding my own business, a guy came and sat next to me. Then two or three girls sat on the other side and finally an other guy sat next to the first one. They talked to me like they knew me for long time now. There were the same old questions that came back. I had the time to answer them. I made some friends. At the end of the year, we all kind of split off. We went to different universities. Some of us moved in the same city. The big city next door. But oddly, I lost touch with them. I still speak to one person though. A girl who moved out in a different town.
During my two years of college, I met new people through an association. We were a solid group. Were. The second year, there was a moment of break and I ended up hanging up with two of them. I don’t speak to any of them nowadays except for two guys. But it doesn’t seem natural to me to talk to them.
Then I moved again. And this is the last. I started in a new school. I decided not to speak to anyone. Being alone doesn’t bother me for a long time now. I decided not to make new friends because apparently, I couldn’t stay in touch with them anyway. But one person, a girl, started to talk to me. I let her bother me at first thinking it was just for the day then she would leave me alone. But I thought wrong. She became my friend. I still talk to her even if she moved out last year. She’s the one who told me she missed me. With her came two guys who became my friends too. But I lost touch with one of them even if I know that if we meet somehow again we would talk like we said goodbye yesterday. She introduced me to her best friend and after meeting only few times, he considers me as a close friend. Well, as he says himself, as his daughter.
That’s what I don’t understand. Over the years, I saw that friendships were frivolous and don’t last long. Maybe it’s just me. But when I see two people whom are so close and know each other since they can’t remember, I’m asking myself: ‘how do they do that? How do they feel about each other?’ I wish I knew. But I don’t wish to be in their situation though. Or maybe I do but I don’t want to realize it yet. I don’t know. Being close to someone is a strange feeling for me. I’m not used to it. I don’t think I will ever be. So when someone tells me that they miss me, I don’t understand. I don’t see what can be missed in me? Or just even why? I asked that question to a friend and he told me because they love me. I didn’t know what to say. I thought at that time, and still now, I’m not sure I know how love feels. Or what is love? (Baby don’t hurt me… No more). Perhaps, it’s because I wasn’t, and still not, close to people around me. It’s true also that I don’t express my feelings. Not the way others do. I see myself as a stranger with my friends, people I don’t know and even… my family. It’s weird. I’m weird.
Did you ever truly missed someone? I don’t think I truly did