I’ve made a decision. Well, to be more precise, some decisions.
Usually, I don’t see what my future is made of. Before – I’m talking about my high school’s years – I kind of had that weird impression of success when I passed my exams. No matter what I did during those tests, I knew somehow I was going good, even if I did crap on that test. I had a good feeling. But, about two years ago, I lost it. All I can see is… Nothing. Darkness. Well, I feel like my life will be short. By short, I mean, three more years top. Beyond that, there’s nothing. And I’m not afraid. I’m not telling myself to move my butt and do something to change that. No. I don’t want to change that. I’m fine with it. Actually I think deep down I wanted it. But, just to be clear, it’s just an impression, a feeling, an intuition. Not the reality. I’m probably gonna live a loooong life. I don’t know.
So, in my mind, in the next three years, I will graduate miraculously, I’ll get a job away from where I am now – but in the same country – and I will have that adult boring routine – which I probably already have since I left middle-school. – All I can see beyond those three years is that I will be gone somehow. I’m thinking by accident, like a car accident.
Last month, I decided to review my lessons from the last past year. So I can walk in class feeling like I know what we are talking about and not feeling like a complete idiot. So I told myself, I motivate myself to review everything in a month. I was motivated… Really… For an hour. Then my laziness took over and I didn’t do anything. I was like a seal stranded on the beach. It was ridiculous how lazy, unproductive and useless I was. Then, the guilt came. I felt so bad about the fact that I’m not the one who pays my private school. All I had to do is attending classes and graduate. But no, I’m stupid enough to just waste that money around by doing nothing. So last week, I realized that school starts only in October, so I have an extra month! – to chill – I pulled myself together and I prepared myself to work like I did once. I found myself a new internship where I could learn something I was afraid to do or I disliked. I started yesterday. And I have to admit, it was cool. The people whom work there are nice, they explain clearly what they are doing and I learned something. It was great. Then I came home, I took a nap because I’m not used to be awake during the day – and working on top of that – and I grab a lesson and started to review it. It was hard to focus but I finished around midnight and it felt good. I also learned some stuff from that lesson. It was interesting. Who knew? – Maybe the teacher and my classmates, I don’t know.
During a pause between two paragraphs, I planned something in my head. I thought about what I’m gonna do next. First, I will work my a*s off to get that degree. Then I will find a job somewhere and stay in the same place for at least two maybe three years. Then, when I’ll feel that is time, I will search for an other job but in Canada. I will find one. I will move and live in North America for at least two maybe four years. Then, when I’ll feel the time is right, I will look for an other job but in the United States this time. And I will live there until I die. Or maybe, I’ll move around in USA. I’ll go back and forth from where I will live to where my family is during my vacation. Yeah, I will do that.
I’ve made a decision. Well, to be more precise, I saw my future