Keep going

Uncategorized

The day has come. I’m staring at my computer’s screen for the last five minutes. My mind froze instantly. The results of my finals were out and my name didn’t make the list. My world crushed in a second. My future darkened suddenly. I refresh the page hoping for a mistake. Once. Twice. Three times. Four. It’s still missing. My heartbeat goes faster and faster. My eyes start watering. Unintentionally, my fist tightens. A rush of anger increases in me. My foot taps with energy. My mind is far away now. Every sound around is a whisper to my ears.
A sweet rhythm of violin pulls me a bit to reality. It’s my mother calling. I announce her the news. She bombs me with questions I don’t have the answer for. Then she tells me what she would have done if she was in my shoes. Meaning what she strongly wanted me to do. She insists on that last part. ‘Wait! Give me a moment, would you? I also just learned it. Let me process.’ I hang up. I take a shower to calm myself down. Under the stream of water, my mind keeps seeing that list of name without mine on it. Tears start to drop. I can’t contain myself any longer. I’m about to explode. So I hit the wall. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times. My hand hurts slightly. I pull myself together, get out of the shower, get dress and pack few things before storming out. I jump in my car and drive away. I don’t know where to go but I need to go. The road is clear. Music is loud. And I am silent. I am now decided to go to the beach. I hope that seeing the vast ocean will make me feel better. I pull over in an unknown city. I grab my bag and walk toward the big blue. My face is closed to anyone. Although, I try to smile when someone make an eye contact with me or when I interact with the world. My anger slowly fades away. I guess forcing myself to open myself to strangers helps me calm down. I’m facing the ocean. The sun is about to disappear. I’m standing still, staring at nothing. Then I notice that my attention is directed to what is right in front of me. I force myself to look higher. Farther. But my eyes keep on looking down. I examine the sky. Heavy gray clouds are covering the beautiful shade of yellow, orange and red. I am now focusing on the horizon. Then beyond. I feel different. Anger is still there but something feels different. I don’t suffocate anymore. The moon is about to take the sun’s place. I’m getting hungry. On my way back to the car, I see a pizzeria. Once in my car, I take place in the backseat and start to eat. After four slices, I am full. I lay down and grab the latest manga I bought earlier. The dark arrived fast. I use my phone as a lamp. Around 11 pm, my eyes are exhausted so I try to talk asleep. As soon as my eyes are closed, the anger grows a little more. I take deep breaths not to crack. I finally manage to sleep. But I’m quickly awakened by any sounds. Around midnight, I decide to move. I jump in the driver’s seat, start the engine and leave. About an hour later, I finally find the right spot. I go back to the backseat. I last down, cover myself with a sheet and try to find some sleep. The street is calmer. Less people walk around here. Suddenly, I wake up. My heart is pounding. I feel lost. I look around and realize I am still in my car. I take my phone, check the battery and the time: 15%, 6:04 am. I stare at the ceiling for a while. Through the window, I can see the sky change color again. I get out of my car and head to the beach. I can’t see the sun. The wind is strong and cold. I return to a warmer place. I drive somewhere else to have a better view. I pull over, put a sweatshirt on and sit next to the beach. I’m waiting. My eyes gaze at the sky. The heavy clouds are still here. The sun is rising behind them. I stay for ten more minutes then I’ll leave. As I wait, I’m thinking. About what I want to do next. What is my next step after this? I say out loud: ‘I am going to find a job and maybe pass the exams next year as a free candidate.’ I am done with school. I don’t want to go back there. As I say those words, I look afar, at the line between the ocean and the sky. As if my road is cleared up. I go home and fall asleep on my couch in a second.
Few hours later, I wake up. Residue of anger, frustration and loss still persist. I don’t want to do anything today. I turn on my computer and let myself brainwashed by the screen. The next day, I clean up my flat a little bit. My brother is coming. When he arrived, it took him five minutes before he gives me a lecture. Is that the reason of your visit? I am listening to him. But the only thing I can hear is: ‘You need a diploma. You can’t work without a degree. It’s not good’. I stay silent. The night goes on. The next day, we go outside, riding on our longboard. Now and then, the conversation is coming back to my future. Amongst everything he said, there is one thing that shocks me: ‘You need to change’ Why? I remain silent, holding down my emotions the best I can. In the evening, my mother arrives. I suddenly feel trap in my apartment. Mostly when she starts her eternal lecture as soon as she puts her luggage down. Really? Is that also the reason of your presence? F you! Both of you! I’m still listening. The time passes and the air around me becomes rare. All I want to do is take my car and drive as far as I can, but a part of my brain forbids me. My brother leaves the next day. So does my mother. Why did she came? I feel relieved. I can breathe again. Although, my anger has grown.
I decide to draw anything that comes in my mind. To get rid of that anger. It’s therapeutic. Music helps as well. Stop does writing. A week later, I start the process of moving on. To do so I apply to several job offer throughout the country. It doesn’t matter where I am going, the instant part is that I’m going. The very next day, a phone call wake me up. Half asleep, I look at the number. Unknown. I don’t pick up. If it’s important , they’ll leave a message. I go back to sleep. Thirty minutes later, I am full awake. ‘Bet everything that call was in fact really important.’ I check on my phone. I have a voice mail: ‘ Hello, Mrs. Nobody. I’m calling you in response to your application to our job offer. I read your resume and you are, actually, exactly what I’m looking for. So call me back as soon as you can to talk a little more about you, the firm and more financial things. I’m looking forward to hear from you. Goodbye.’ My eyes open widely. One day.

It’s not how hard you hit the ground. It’s how fast you get back up.

-Nelly-