The climb

A day in my mind, IRL

I lost my mother. – Strange. The heaviness of that sentence has left. – It’s been almost two years. I’m not saying that my griefing process is coming to an end, but, it’s coming to an end. – Well, it feels like it – During the past two years, i’ve been at the trough of the wave: feeling nothingness to sadness, by way of guilt and regrets. The first few months, i forbid myself to laugh, to be happy. When i cracked a smile, an image of her – Well, the image of her absence – appeared in my mind. I faked wellness in front of people, as i tried to manage that image, that idea. The hole. That was emptiness.

Then came regrets. – Plural – As my consciousness slowly resurfaced to enable my capacity to make choices, my latest thoughts resurfaced too. The choice i made. The action i didn’t take. A new feeling grew: a pain that i couldn’t – still can’t – get rid of. And it hurt like hell. I screamed at the top of my voice and cried tears i never knew were in me, around the same date every month, in hope of making the pain go away. It didn’t work. The pain remained. Grew even stronger. Regrets became guilt.

I often asked myself if i could have done something to change the course of history. If making that call would have change something. If saying those words would have made her heart beat a little longer. I became self-centered and focused on myself. Isolation was my answer to death. I figured that if it all comes to this unexplicable and sudden end, there was no point on creating bridges with others. The result is just pain. This is sadness. I dove into it: listenning to her favorite song over and over and over and over and over again.

At a certain point, – this would be around the first anniversary – i was tired of having a dark cloud above my head. I tried to sincerely smile, laugh and enjoy every peaceful moments where i had no defined emotions, where emptiness turned into a luxury. But a thought always came back: don’t forget, don’t let time erase this feeling. I developped a semi-bipolar personality: my sleep was interrupted every three hours, nightmares invaded my brain, suicidal thoughts were passing through, my interest for art faded slowly.

Then anger filled every cell of my body without me acknowledging it. I noticed that my balance positivity/negativity was skewed. I began to see my future, stuck into a routine, surrounded by whiny, unorganized and close-minded people, always working overtime for nothing. –  See, negativity. – Frustration grew along. I became a crank. Once i realized it, I tried to manage my emotions as much as i could. But my mind was still clouded. – This was recently. – I looked for a change, took actions to create the change. I don’t want to surrender to this life. But everything that i began fell through. The walls drew closer. I suffocated.

When finally, a breath of fresh air present itself: i had a raise. – the greedy side of me came out strong, here. – For some reasons, when my boss told me that, i felt relief. – And i remembered specifically a spray of split flying from his mouth to somewhere very close to me. – A weight on my shoulders was taken. I slept well that night.

Fast forward to more recently. A thought started to blossom in my mind: am i allowed to live? At this point, i began to feel like myself again: plans were made for the future and inspiration and motivation came back. Then, my brother entered into a civil partnership with his girlfriend. – This was last week. – During the celebration party, their friends stopped the music to put the wedding theme and offer them a scratchbook to remember the moment, i looked at my brother, in the center of the crowd, laughing and in peace, – A bit embarrassed by the attention, too – and i thought to myself: he’s living. It’s allowed. Nothing bad is happening. This is a pure moment of joy and sadness is nowhere to be found. I finally accepted it: i can just be. Without repercutions.

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