Thinking out loud

A day in my mind, IRL, Life, Random Thoughts

2006. A movie on channel 9 changed my life. The idea that was presented sprung up in my mind to blossom into a state of mind. I started to see the world differently. I started to see myself differently.

Before, i just moved around, acted like i was living life but in reality, i was just mimicking others, their behaviour, reactions and thoughts, without knowing why they do things that they do. I still don’t know, but now, i feel like i have the compassion to get a glimpse of their way of thinking.

After the movie, i realized that i could do… Things. To change my life. But not just mine, others if i took actions in certain situations. I began to take control of my thoughts, actions and emotions, looked at the world and people as if it was new. It took me a long time to adapt to that new way of thinking. But the decision was made in a matter of hour.

Now, let’s move forward to about two years ago. When i lost my mom, i shut down: my brain, my consciousness, my common sense even for a while. I focused on myself, became selfish and unaware of others. I tightened the bubble that is called ‘comfort zone’ to the strict minimum. Anything outside of myself was rejected. About a year and half later, meaning few months ago, my curiosity to the outside world woke up. But, it was a low light. Very low. Fast forward to February of this year: i met a friend of my brother. We didn’t really talk much, mainly because of me since i’m not that expressive. But there was one conversation that stuck with me. He’s a filmmaker, went to cinema school, made some successful short films and doing great in this new era of social media.

Me: So, do you think you’ll make a feature film one day?

Him: Well, not really. I make shorts because it goes to the point. I like to convey messages into my stories, but if one of those stories require a longer version, then yeah, maybe, i’ll make one.

Me: I see…

Him: But you know, making a full-length film isn’t my goal.

Me: Ha?

Him: My goal is… (looks at me) To change the world. And i need you to do that.

My bubble exploded. Through his direct words, he reminded me something that i knew and forgotten: i want to change the world and other people have the same dream. A burst of energy, motivation and determination woke me up completely. I remembered why i had the tattoo on my arm.

It’s been four months and i’ve been thinking on how to accomplish the impossible. A conclusion appeared quite quickly: i can’t do this alone. As he said: I need you. Another part of the answer i’m looking for is that improving people’s life isn’t going to change the world. Not permanently. Inegalities won’t disappear because people will reach a higher social class. A change of mind is what the world needs.

I’m aware there are already millions of souls who have a mentality that will lift human kind. I see it. And some of them are making moves and changes. But here’s where i have a slight problem with it: they reach for people who already agree to make a change in their lives. It’s not a problem in itself. It’s a good thing. People need example to live by and show the way, me included. So here’s the obstacle:

How to convince those who aren’t willing to change?

I can’t seem to find a solution. How to reach them in a way where they are willing te see things differently? I’ve been struggling on that for quite some time now. And, my thought process led me to this post. Like it’s been said: i can’t do this alone. I need help. Anyone?

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The climb

A day in my mind, IRL

I lost my mother. – Strange. The heaviness of that sentence has left. – It’s been almost two years. I’m not saying that my griefing process is coming to an end, but, it’s coming to an end. – Well, it feels like it – During the past two years, i’ve been at the trough of the wave: feeling nothingness to sadness, by way of guilt and regrets. The first few months, i forbid myself to laugh, to be happy. When i cracked a smile, an image of her – Well, the image of her absence – appeared in my mind. I faked wellness in front of people, as i tried to manage that image, that idea. The hole. That was emptiness.

Then came regrets. – Plural – As my consciousness slowly resurfaced to enable my capacity to make choices, my latest thoughts resurfaced too. The choice i made. The action i didn’t take. A new feeling grew: a pain that i couldn’t – still can’t – get rid of. And it hurt like hell. I screamed at the top of my voice and cried tears i never knew were in me, around the same date every month, in hope of making the pain go away. It didn’t work. The pain remained. Grew even stronger. Regrets became guilt.

I often asked myself if i could have done something to change the course of history. If making that call would have change something. If saying those words would have made her heart beat a little longer. I became self-centered and focused on myself. Isolation was my answer to death. I figured that if it all comes to this unexplicable and sudden end, there was no point on creating bridges with others. The result is just pain. This is sadness. I dove into it: listenning to her favorite song over and over and over and over and over again.

At a certain point, – this would be around the first anniversary – i was tired of having a dark cloud above my head. I tried to sincerely smile, laugh and enjoy every peaceful moments where i had no defined emotions, where emptiness turned into a luxury. But a thought always came back: don’t forget, don’t let time erase this feeling. I developped a semi-bipolar personality: my sleep was interrupted every three hours, nightmares invaded my brain, suicidal thoughts were passing through, my interest for art faded slowly.

Then anger filled every cell of my body without me acknowledging it. I noticed that my balance positivity/negativity was skewed. I began to see my future, stuck into a routine, surrounded by whiny, unorganized and close-minded people, always working overtime for nothing. –  See, negativity. – Frustration grew along. I became a crank. Once i realized it, I tried to manage my emotions as much as i could. But my mind was still clouded. – This was recently. – I looked for a change, took actions to create the change. I don’t want to surrender to this life. But everything that i began fell through. The walls drew closer. I suffocated.

When finally, a breath of fresh air present itself: i had a raise. – the greedy side of me came out strong, here. – For some reasons, when my boss told me that, i felt relief. – And i remembered specifically a spray of split flying from his mouth to somewhere very close to me. – A weight on my shoulders was taken. I slept well that night.

Fast forward to more recently. A thought started to blossom in my mind: am i allowed to live? At this point, i began to feel like myself again: plans were made for the future and inspiration and motivation came back. Then, my brother entered into a civil partnership with his girlfriend. – This was last week. – During the celebration party, their friends stopped the music to put the wedding theme and offer them a scratchbook to remember the moment, i looked at my brother, in the center of the crowd, laughing and in peace, – A bit embarrassed by the attention, too – and i thought to myself: he’s living. It’s allowed. Nothing bad is happening. This is a pure moment of joy and sadness is nowhere to be found. I finally accepted it: i can just be. Without repercutions.

The Messenger

A day in my life, A day in my mind, Imagination, IRL

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The Messenger | This is a long one | If you have a chance to say one last thing to someone you lost: what would you say?

The lasts scenes were something i personnally lived. Seeing an empty appartment – once again – but this time, the goodbye was slightly different. More like a ‘real farewell’. The kind i didn’t expect to say or feel before i would be very old. Or never, actually. But it happened.

This will also be – hopefully – my lasts drawings about it. I’m moving forward. I can’t stay still forever.

Anchor

A day in my life, A day in my mind, IRL

I miss her. It feels like a dream. I feel like there’s a before and an after. And it’s noticeable by the way I’ve been lately. Am I gonna be this way til I pass away? Semi-sad every now and then, more often than before? At the verge of crying every time I hear something that she might like or say?

I was laughing right before he called. I remember having a good day: finished on time for once and preparing myself to walk out and embrace the sun that waited for me. When I received the phone call. From him. He never calls me. When I picked up, his voice was trembling, he tried to hold his tears. He asked me where I was and if I was alone. Then added that I needed to go home asap and not take any other calls, especially from my cousin. But why would I? And mostly, why would he call me? On my way, my pace fastened as my thoughts ran into my head. Something happened. To her. Something bad. I think I knew deep down what was going on but I didn’t want to jump into conclusion to fast. I needed to hear it from a solid source. As soon as I stepped into my appartment, I sat down, redialed the last number in my history and waited. Straight to voice mail. I tried one more time. Voice mail again. I decided to wait for him to call me back. Few minutes passed. Then, the sweet melody of the song ‘All of the light interlude’ came to my ears. He started with small talk, very small, then dropped the bomb. I didn’t know what to say. My mind went blank. We stayed on the phone for a minute or two: I asked how they found out and what could be the cause. Then he had an incomming call from our cousin. As soon as he hang up, I broke down.

The first thing I did after calming down, was my laundry. My rationnal mind stepped in. The next day, I had to go to her house and after that, I wasn’t sure of my staying. Oddly, when I lied down in my couch, I felt exhausted. As if all the fatigue I cumulated over the last six months just fell on my shoulders. As if I had to carry my entire world on my own.

The next day, I took my luggages, got into my car and drove for five hours. Five hours in a complete silence. No music, no thoughts in my head. When I arrived there, I saw three cars parked in front of the house. I recognized two of them but the third one was unknown to my memory. I stepped to the front door: do I ring the bell? Knock? I decided to go inside. I heard noise above my head. I went upstairs, widened a second door and paused. I saw my brother sitting in the hallway, facing piles of papers. Next to him, there was his girlfriend. She noticed me before notifying my brother. He stood up and walk to me. How are we supposed to act? Do we hug? Or… We greeted each other like we use to do, like two strangers. I did the same to his girlfriend, my cousin’s wife and finally my cousin. They all had those saddened eyes as they looked at me. I tried not to shed any tears in front of anyone but my cousin said something that made me almost crack: ‘My condolences.’ I nodded then turned my face away. Fast forward to later in the afternoon, we went to the funeral office. I held it down pretty well so far. But on our way, I got car sick. Usually, it’s just an headache and a slight stomach ache. This time was different. Way different: my body started to freeze. It started in my left hand, but I thought it was because I held the seatbelt too tight. Then it progressed in my legs to right hand. At that moment, I suspected that it wasn’t usual, so I asked if we could stop for a while. As soon as the car slowed down, I opened the door and stepped away from it. I sat down. The feeling slowly went up to my chest. I ddin’t understant what was happening. I felt paralized, I couldn’t move. It scared me. They told me to relax, to try to calm down. They put me in the car. They tried to reassure me. They succeded a little bit. Then I massaged my left hand, like she taught me once. I relaxed a bit. As I did so: I fell apart.

Arrived at the funeral office – I don’t how to translate that in english, sorry – they talked about what kind of care to did on her so far and explained to us the process of her funeral. Then we went to see her. My brother asked if I wanted to see her. ‘I don’t know.’ I was scared and didn’t really want to see her. It would make it all too… real. He told me to come anyway. When we entered the room, I saw her lying on the bed, in the middle of the room. I walked in front of her. She stayed still. Her chest wasn’t moving. Her eyes were closed. I looked at her, tears came up. I tried hard to keep them in, waiting for her to sit down and laugh to our faces, like she made a bad joke. But nothing happened. The silence killed me. I cried my eyes out in front of her inanimate body. I didn’t understand.. how could it happen? In between tears, I managed to say something: ‘This is so stupid…’ As he heard that, my brother took me in his arms. For the first time, I didn’t feel alone.

Innocence

IRL
  1. The year of failure and beginning. The beginning of my descent into hell. We were in the middle of September and school started the next day. I already planned my way to go there and checked the building, just in case. The day would begin with a presentation of what we were about to get into. After that, I had no idea of what’s going to happen. But for now, I’m going to get some rest.

It’s three o’clock. I was ready to discover what my life will look like from now on. I left my flat. A little bit late though. I speeded up my pace to arrive five minutes before anything started. My mind was completely empty while I walked towards my prison. I wasn’t hype nor depressed. My feelings were neutral. All I heard was the sweet music of Kanye West words. When I arrived in the school’s street, I made the last turn and almost ran into him. He was standing there, waiting for something or someone. He was taller than me, with an afro on, glasses that looked like Rayban’s, a green hoody on, a shirt striped brown and white below, a large jean and white shoes, if I recall correctly. He held a bag in one hand and his phone in the other one. I was too fast. I only had a glance at him. I scared me, let’s be honest. My first thought of that day was : ‘Wow, he was hot.’ I climbed the few stairs that separated me from the main building’s entrance then disappeared inside in the hall. I wasn’t the first to arrive. Few people were already here. Way longer than me by the glance they gave to their watches. They were two different categories of them : the young ones and the old ones. I presumed that those who were old were here for a different reason. Later, I realized I presumed wrong. While I waited for someone to indicate us where we should go and to tell us what is going to happen, I wished that the guy in the corner would be in my class. The director decided to finally show up and lead us who were in the hall to another building just next door. Students settled in a small room that appeared to be a living room rearranged to be a classroom. I sat down randomly at the third row just in front of the door. As soon as my butt touched the chair, he appeared behind a girl who he apparently knew way before today. I presumed, again, that she was his girlfriend. They sat down right behind me. The director started his little speech when everyone had a sit. When he finished, he proposed that everyone will introduce themselves by saying their names, ages, what they did before and why they choose this formation. Not everyone was excited about that idea, including me. I hated public speeches. I still do. When it was my turn, I took all the courage I managed to gather and said:

– ‘My name is Nobody, I’m 21, I graduated with a scientific specialty in high school and before this year, I was in med’school.’ At that moment, I heard a ‘Watcha’ from behind. ‘I choose this school because I wanted to stay in the paramedical/medical sector.’

The director nodded. Two persons next to me introduced themselves then it was he’s turn.

– ‘My name is Jonathan Teehee, I’m 22 and…’

When I heard Jonathan I couldn’t help myself but laugh.

To know the reason why, I have to go back to my last year of middle school. I subscribed to the basketball club of the small town I was in with some friends and I accidentally had a small crush on my coach – crush that lasted two years – And he’s name was – drumroll, please – Jonathan!

When I heard his name, I whispered : ‘Of course.’ Then it was his supposed girlfriend turn :

– ‘My name is Audrey Teehe, I’m 22 and…’

When I heard her last name I was surprised. I found it weird then came very quickly to a conclusion : ‘Are they married?’ Then I was more surprised because, in my opinion, 22 is a young age to be married. So I went back to my first theory : they were related. But how? It’s kind of incredible that two friends end up in the same formation unless they are really close, which leads me back to the girlfriend-boyfriend thing. The meeting continued and all along, I heard in my back laughter, deep and higher voices. They sounded really close which comforted me in the idea that they were involved in a relationship. At the end of that afternoon, as all students started to live the place, one of our future teacher came to them and asked them point blank :

– ‘Are you married?’ I was relieved to know that I wasn’t the only one thought of that possibility.

– ‘No, we are cousins’ she answered. He nodded as to confirm.

Two days later, the real deal has begun. We had our first theory class. I don’t remember if it was interesting or not. We only had an hour to eat at lunch. I noticed a fast food two minutes away from school, so I decided to check it out. I ordered my food, waited then took my tray. When I turned around to head to an empty table, Audrey intercepted me and asked me if she could eat with me. I just had the time to say yes that she went back to her phone call. I sat down and watched her, trying to remember if I knew her from somewhere. Then during the meal, as she talked, it struck me : ‘She’s in class with me!’. After that, the day went on with me not talking to anyone. The next week, I started to hang out with her during class and along with her, her cousin. There was another guy who was also trapped. His name : Peter. That guy was social and planned without my consent a party at my place the next week-end. His reason : get to know everyone in the class. And therefor, he invited everyone. I couldn’t say anything. Or I didn’t want to. The week-end arrived. Few people started to ring at my bell and discover my place. The evening/night went well. Around 1 am, we were four : Peter, Jonathan, a random girl and myself. Those three people didn’t have the courage to go back to their places, so they slept over. As Peter and the random girl were falling asleep, Jonathan went in front of the computer. I heard him and watched him. To not awake the two sleepers, I send him a text :

– ‘You don’t sleep?’

– ‘No, I am a warrior. I only need one or two hours of sleep’

– ‘Really? One or two? That can’t be enough!’

– ‘I’m a warrior, I’m telling you. I keep an eye on you as the head of sheep does.’

– ‘Yeah, but the head of sheep does sleep sometimes.’

– ‘Yes, but only in few hours. I’m not a badger like the rest of you’

– ‘Hé ho!…Me neither.’

On that last message, I watched him read his phone screen and a smile was drawn on his face. I made him smile.

Soliloquy

IRL

– Hey! What’s up with you?

– I don’t know, man. I feel so low right now.

– …

– Ok, here’s the thing : i didn’t go to school the last three weeks. The reason why is because… I’m not into it. I have no motivation for what i am doing right now. And also, i’m lazy. Or maybe my laziness is the reason of my lack of motivation. But in that case, why is it that sometimes i do the work in time? Why am i staying up at night to finish a paper? If i was lazy, i wouldn’t do that. I just would give nothing. So it can’t be laziness. Or it’s the very definition of laziness: doing something at the last minute without carrying about the outcome. I don’t know.

– Euhm…

– And yet, i say i’m not motivated but i do my homework on time. That’s absolutely nonsense… Isn’t it?

– Mmh?… Yeah, nonsense, totally.

– Then why am i keeping skipping school like this? It may not be the most interesting job on Earth but it’s not that all bad. I mean, i enjoyed all internships i made, i found them interesting. Then what is it? On my previous years of college, i studied really hard. Like really seriously. I remember learning every words of each lessons i had. I set goals and kept focus until i reached them. But now, i set goals and… just go to sleep or do something completely useless to achieve them… Although, i failed. Maybe that’s it. I lost sight of my biggest goal because i tried my best on something i really wanted and yet, failed… Miserably. I don’t know what to do anymore… Maybe i should just do things instead of thinking on doing them… Yeah, maybe, i should. But i don’t want to. I really have no will to do that. Even just to read anything that concerns any of my classes. Even if half of my teachers surprisingly pull off the impossible: motivating me. Even only for two or four hours each Friday. Then, what is wrong with me? Mmh? I’m asking you : what is wrong with me?

– … What is wrong with you is that your glass is empty! Here’s something to cheer you up!

He watched his glass getting filled of an unknown mixture then drank all of it in the next second. Then blacked out.

I am Vincent

IRL

It was in October. She just moved in her new appartment, in this new city where she believed she will have a potential bright future. The day she arrived, she decided to visit her neighborhood and check her way to school. She looked with wide eyes around her, memorizing every details. It wasn’t her first time here though. Two months before, she came for one day to search for a place and find one. The second time, she settled her appartment on her own and finally moved in. So she knew a little bit about where she was but she still looked around her as if it has changed during the night. Few days passed and on her way to her first day to school, she walked by a homeless guy. He was sitting straight, a smile on his face. He said ‘hello’ to everyone who’s passing in front of him. Most of walkers didn’t pay him any attention. But he kept his smile anyway. She saw him from afar and noticed his niceness. When she passed in front of him, a stranger stopped and chatted with him for few seconds, so he didn’t see her. The next day, around the same time, she took the same road and saw him again, saying ‘hello’ to eveyrone. This time, when she passed by him, he saw her and saluted her. She gazed at him and gave him a smile while nodding as a ‘good morning’. Days passed and now and then, they meet and politely greeted each other. Few months later, as they almost met everyday, the homeless guy asked the young girl how she was doing. She sweetly answered and asked him back. The small talk was installed. Every time he interrupted her walk to home, she had a smile on her face. This everyday small talk with this unknown man was pleasant and somehow innocent. Then, after a long day, she saw him, sitting at the same spot as usual. She always wondered : how can someone end up in the street? She walked towards him, few questions in mind. At each step, she gathered her courage and confidence and tried to find a way to interrogate him gently. When she arrived at his level, he winked at her as a greeting. She smiled and kept walking, thinking : it’s a bad idea. Around five steps later, she stopped, froze then turned around. She came back to him with a smile on her face. And boldly asked :

– ‘Can i ask you… How did you end up…’

– ‘Begging?’ He finished her sentence, paused a second then told his story.

Few years earlier, he was arrested during a protest in the East of France. He was accused for not paying his bills and spend some time in jail. When he got out, he had to pay a certain amount of money to the government. Because of that, he couldn’t get his own place as every cents he would earn will go immediately to the state’s pocket. So he didn’t search for any job and decided to live in the street. Because he had no job, he had no health security. His situation was  precarious. When he told her his story, she stared at him, processing the informations. Then he explained her his plan for the next year : finding a job and getting back on track. He seemed hopeful and motivated.

As the new school year has began, when they met again, he shared with her a big news : ‘I found a job so you’re not gonna see me as often as before. Only some nights.’ The girl was truly happy for him. She thought to herself that he will be okay and she didn’t have to worry that much for him anymore. She felt relieved. He found his way back. Months later, as they met again, the young girl saluted him. He had a big smile on his face, smelling alcohol and laughing out loud. He stopped her and showed her a card. It was a green card with his picture on it. ‘You are secured!!’ she exclaimed. ‘I have a health security!!’ he shouted. He was celebrating his new accomplishment with some of his friends. She congratulated him then left, letting him feel the joy.

Few day ago, it has been some time since they ‘talked’. But they ran into each other where they usually do. They smiled like always but this time, she sensed he wanted to talk : ‘You gotta give me a finger!’ He held out his arm as if he wanted to make a pinkie swear. She imitated him. Then he grabbed her hand and put it on his forehead. She stood still. She didn’t know what to do or what to think. When he let go of her hand, he stared at her :

– ‘You know i don’t even know your name!’

– ‘Nobody.’ she said.

– ‘I am Vincent!’ She started to walk away, this pleasant feeling in her heart. ‘You know, we know each other for two years now!’

– ‘Yeah, that’s true…’ she realized.

– ‘Keep smiling… You’re always beautiful.’ She thanked him, embarrassed.

– ‘Good evening, Vincent.’