Thinking out loud

A day in my mind, IRL, Life, Random Thoughts

2006. A movie on channel 9 changed my life. The idea that was presented sprung up in my mind to blossom into a state of mind. I started to see the world differently. I started to see myself differently.

Before, i just moved around, acted like i was living life but in reality, i was just mimicking others, their behaviour, reactions and thoughts, without knowing why they do things that they do. I still don’t know, but now, i feel like i have the compassion to get a glimpse of their way of thinking.

After the movie, i realized that i could do… Things. To change my life. But not just mine, others if i took actions in certain situations. I began to take control of my thoughts, actions and emotions, looked at the world and people as if it was new. It took me a long time to adapt to that new way of thinking. But the decision was made in a matter of hour.

Now, let’s move forward to about two years ago. When i lost my mom, i shut down: my brain, my consciousness, my common sense even for a while. I focused on myself, became selfish and unaware of others. I tightened the bubble that is called ‘comfort zone’ to the strict minimum. Anything outside of myself was rejected. About a year and half later, meaning few months ago, my curiosity to the outside world woke up. But, it was a low light. Very low. Fast forward to February of this year: i met a friend of my brother. We didn’t really talk much, mainly because of me since i’m not that expressive. But there was one conversation that stuck with me. He’s a filmmaker, went to cinema school, made some successful short films and doing great in this new era of social media.

Me: So, do you think you’ll make a feature film one day?

Him: Well, not really. I make shorts because it goes to the point. I like to convey messages into my stories, but if one of those stories require a longer version, then yeah, maybe, i’ll make one.

Me: I see…

Him: But you know, making a full-length film isn’t my goal.

Me: Ha?

Him: My goal is… (looks at me) To change the world. And i need you to do that.

My bubble exploded. Through his direct words, he reminded me something that i knew and forgotten: i want to change the world and other people have the same dream. A burst of energy, motivation and determination woke me up completely. I remembered why i had the tattoo on my arm.

It’s been four months and i’ve been thinking on how to accomplish the impossible. A conclusion appeared quite quickly: i can’t do this alone. As he said: I need you. Another part of the answer i’m looking for is that improving people’s life isn’t going to change the world. Not permanently. Inegalities won’t disappear because people will reach a higher social class. A change of mind is what the world needs.

I’m aware there are already millions of souls who have a mentality that will lift human kind. I see it. And some of them are making moves and changes. But here’s where i have a slight problem with it: they reach for people who already agree to make a change in their lives. It’s not a problem in itself. It’s a good thing. People need example to live by and show the way, me included. So here’s the obstacle:

How to convince those who aren’t willing to change?

I can’t seem to find a solution. How to reach them in a way where they are willing te see things differently? I’ve been struggling on that for quite some time now. And, my thought process led me to this post. Like it’s been said: i can’t do this alone. I need help. Anyone?

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Therapy

A day in my life, A day in my mind, Imagination, Random Thoughts

I waited five minutes before the only door at the end of the hallway opened. A man appeared behind it. A dark suit on with a white shirt and a red tie. I thought it was a bit too dress up for a psychologist. But whatever. I stood up as he greeted me then suggested i enter in his office. The room was pretty large, allowing a desk surrounded by three chairs, a couch and a library to coexist. It was quiet. The closed door isolated us from any sound coming from the outside world. A bubble. Safe and dangerous at the same time. He offered me a seat on the couch, right away. I waited for him to sit first then mimicked him. I sat at the edge, far away from him. I look at him: he had a notebook he already wrote on. When he was done, he looked up to me, gave me a smile then waited. After a long minute, anxiety grew in me.

– ‘What are we supposed to talk about?’ i asked.

– ‘I don’t know. What do you want to talk about?’ he replied.

– ‘Euhm, i don’t know.’

– ‘I see that you keep on looking around. What’s on your mind?’ The remark surprised me. I thought i was subtile. I shook me head and raised my shoulders as an answer. ‘You must be thinking of something.’ he insisted.

I hated those kind of questions: what do you think about? Do you trust me? Well, before you asked me that, i did trust you. Now, i think you’re suspicious. So, no, i don’t. When the psychologist said i must be thinking about something, my mind went blank: i stayed quiet. He looked at his watch. I checked the clock on the wall. Seven minutes has passed.

– ‘So we just let the hour pass in silence?’ I slightly nodded. ‘Why did you came here for, then?’ He asked.

– ‘I was asked to. My brother… asked me to.’

– ‘And you always do what he ask you to do?’

– ‘Not always.’

– ‘Why did you choose to do this?’ I thought about it: i was about to say that i didn’t know, but, obviously, it would end the conversation short.

– ‘I don’t know.’ I said it anyway. ‘By curiosity… I guess’ He wrote it down.

– ‘Just out of curiosity? Do you know why he asked you to come to therapy?’

– ‘Euhm, i guess because he’s going to therapy himself. Maybe he wants me to experience the same thing. So that i can undersand.’

– ‘Understand what?’

– ‘Why he’s going to therapy.’

– ‘And do you understand it?’

– ‘I do.’

– ‘Sounds like you didn’t need this to get it.’ I smiled. ‘And why do you think he’s going to therapy?’ I took a minute.’Do you think you need it too?’ I remained silent. ‘How are you doing?’

– ‘I’m good.’ Another question that i hated.

– ‘That doesn’t sound like an honest answer.’

– ‘It didn’t sound like an honest question.’

– ‘Do you think i’m a dishonest person?’

– ‘No. I just think it’s… not a sincere question.’

– ‘Why do you think that?’ I sighed. ‘Tell me.’

– ‘Usually, when people ask that question, they don’t really want to know how the other person is doing. All they want to hear is ‘yes, i’m doing well’. Whether they are a good person or an asshole.’

– ‘What makes you think that?’

– ‘Just…Observation.’ My lips were sealed. He let go of a smile.

– ‘What if i’m really interested in knowing your state? What would be your answer?’

– ‘I’m good.’

– ‘Same answer. Why?’

– ‘Because i am.’

– ‘You don’t open up to people much, do you?’ I looked at him straight in the eyes.’Why is that?’

– ‘No special reason.’ He smiled again. He let a moment pass.

– ‘Tell me: why now?’ I didn’t understand. ‘I’ve been following your brother for few weeks, now. He told me about you, a few times. He told me he asked you many times to come before. So why now? What changed your mind?’

– ‘…It’s her birthday, soon.’ i whispered.

– ‘Your mother’s?’ I nodded. ‘When is it?’

– ‘Friday.’

– ‘And you felt like you needed to talk to someone? How do you feel about it?’ A ghost passed by. ‘What are you going to do that day?’

– ‘I don’t know. Probably nothing.’

– ‘Are you going to meet with your brother?’

– ‘Probably not. I don’t feel like being around people…’

– ‘You feel better on your own?’ I shyly smiled, my look was stuck on the carpet. ‘What are you doing when you’re alone?’

– ‘I stay busy: watching shows, videos, drawing, listening to music…’

– ‘Drawing? What kind of drawing?’

– ‘Euhm, whatever comes to my mind.’

– ‘What was your last drawing?’

– ‘A photography that was taken when i was smaller. I think.’

– ‘You think?’

– ‘I’m not sure that picture truly exists or it’s just a memory i made for myself.’

– ‘You don’t have it?’ I shook my head. ‘What was it?’

– ‘It’s my mom and i in front of our old house. She’s, sort of, leaning on me.’

– ‘So you recreated it?’ I nodded. ‘You think about her often?’

– ‘Every day. Every time i do something, i think about calling her, telling her everything.. But i can’t. Not anymore.’ I paused. Then a laugh slipped as tears blurred my sight.

– ‘What’s funny?’

– ‘Euhm, i…now that she’s gone, i want to talk to her. But, before…I didn’t have anything to tell her. That’s just… that’s just… fucking dumb…I’m an…hyprocrite.’

– ‘Why do you think that?’

– ‘I don’t feel like i have the right to… feel this way.’

– ‘You mean being sad?’ I nodded. ‘You know it’s human. You just lost someone you loved.’ As i satyed quiet, he continued: ‘Why do you feel like you don’t have the rights to be sad?’

– ‘I’ve never… I haven’t shown her my affection. I was cold and mean to her… I rejected her.’ A tear dropped on my hands.

– ‘It’s not your fault, if she’s…’ The psychologist’s sentence faded away.

 

Dumb sentence. I closed my eyes when that thought immerged in my mind. I took few seconds to recollect myself. Then when i opened them, i found myself at my desk, a dozen of files to work on for the day. Noises from the background gently arrived to my ears: people talking, laughing, greeting each other, sounds of printers, computers starting, keybord being smashed by cafeinated fingers. Suddenly, a closer voice pulled me out of that confusing state between reality and dream: ‘Are you ok?’ I looked at my left and saw my co-worker’s concerned face. I realized that my eyes were filled with salty liquid and my chicks were wet. My heart was pounding and my throat closed on itself. I opened my mouth to answer but words couldn’t get through. I stood up, apologized rudly and walked as fast and as discretly as possible to the bathroom.

As soon as i locked myself, i broke down. Fucking imagination…