Happy New Year!

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It’s the last day of the year of 2015. Midnight is approaching. Underneath his apartment, a party is going on for few hours. Music is played with people talking loudly. Compare to that festivity, his apartment is silent. He’s sitting at his desk, his back facing the noises. Since the beginning of the evening, he focuses on the clockwise. The ticking of the little one. Ten seconds. The crowd beneath him started the countdown. He is waiting for the year to change. He wanted to begin a new year so that he can put his project in motion. Five seconds. This last year was all wandering. The one that is about to come will be the year of action, he thought. One second. Fireworks are sparkling in the dark night. Midnight. One second. The crowd is screaming:

HAPPY NEW YEAR, 2015!!!!

2016 has begun. Supposedly. Wait…2015?

 

http://symoha.tumblr.com/

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Following a dream
Does not mean a thing to him
Yet he keeps dreaming

He knows he can do it all
Do all his desires are
Without doubt he goes
Go where his wind leads him to
To accomplish anything

This man is aging
Into the greatest of all
He is my main source
(but shhhh, don’t tell him)

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Keep going

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The day has come. I’m staring at my computer’s screen for the last five minutes. My mind froze instantly. The results of my finals were out and my name didn’t make the list. My world crushed in a second. My future darkened suddenly. I refresh the page hoping for a mistake. Once. Twice. Three times. Four. It’s still missing. My heartbeat goes faster and faster. My eyes start watering. Unintentionally, my fist tightens. A rush of anger increases in me. My foot taps with energy. My mind is far away now. Every sound around is a whisper to my ears.
A sweet rhythm of violin pulls me a bit to reality. It’s my mother calling. I announce her the news. She bombs me with questions I don’t have the answer for. Then she tells me what she would have done if she was in my shoes. Meaning what she strongly wanted me to do. She insists on that last part. ‘Wait! Give me a moment, would you? I also just learned it. Let me process.’ I hang up. I take a shower to calm myself down. Under the stream of water, my mind keeps seeing that list of name without mine on it. Tears start to drop. I can’t contain myself any longer. I’m about to explode. So I hit the wall. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times. My hand hurts slightly. I pull myself together, get out of the shower, get dress and pack few things before storming out. I jump in my car and drive away. I don’t know where to go but I need to go. The road is clear. Music is loud. And I am silent. I am now decided to go to the beach. I hope that seeing the vast ocean will make me feel better. I pull over in an unknown city. I grab my bag and walk toward the big blue. My face is closed to anyone. Although, I try to smile when someone make an eye contact with me or when I interact with the world. My anger slowly fades away. I guess forcing myself to open myself to strangers helps me calm down. I’m facing the ocean. The sun is about to disappear. I’m standing still, staring at nothing. Then I notice that my attention is directed to what is right in front of me. I force myself to look higher. Farther. But my eyes keep on looking down. I examine the sky. Heavy gray clouds are covering the beautiful shade of yellow, orange and red. I am now focusing on the horizon. Then beyond. I feel different. Anger is still there but something feels different. I don’t suffocate anymore. The moon is about to take the sun’s place. I’m getting hungry. On my way back to the car, I see a pizzeria. Once in my car, I take place in the backseat and start to eat. After four slices, I am full. I lay down and grab the latest manga I bought earlier. The dark arrived fast. I use my phone as a lamp. Around 11 pm, my eyes are exhausted so I try to talk asleep. As soon as my eyes are closed, the anger grows a little more. I take deep breaths not to crack. I finally manage to sleep. But I’m quickly awakened by any sounds. Around midnight, I decide to move. I jump in the driver’s seat, start the engine and leave. About an hour later, I finally find the right spot. I go back to the backseat. I last down, cover myself with a sheet and try to find some sleep. The street is calmer. Less people walk around here. Suddenly, I wake up. My heart is pounding. I feel lost. I look around and realize I am still in my car. I take my phone, check the battery and the time: 15%, 6:04 am. I stare at the ceiling for a while. Through the window, I can see the sky change color again. I get out of my car and head to the beach. I can’t see the sun. The wind is strong and cold. I return to a warmer place. I drive somewhere else to have a better view. I pull over, put a sweatshirt on and sit next to the beach. I’m waiting. My eyes gaze at the sky. The heavy clouds are still here. The sun is rising behind them. I stay for ten more minutes then I’ll leave. As I wait, I’m thinking. About what I want to do next. What is my next step after this? I say out loud: ‘I am going to find a job and maybe pass the exams next year as a free candidate.’ I am done with school. I don’t want to go back there. As I say those words, I look afar, at the line between the ocean and the sky. As if my road is cleared up. I go home and fall asleep on my couch in a second.
Few hours later, I wake up. Residue of anger, frustration and loss still persist. I don’t want to do anything today. I turn on my computer and let myself brainwashed by the screen. The next day, I clean up my flat a little bit. My brother is coming. When he arrived, it took him five minutes before he gives me a lecture. Is that the reason of your visit? I am listening to him. But the only thing I can hear is: ‘You need a diploma. You can’t work without a degree. It’s not good’. I stay silent. The night goes on. The next day, we go outside, riding on our longboard. Now and then, the conversation is coming back to my future. Amongst everything he said, there is one thing that shocks me: ‘You need to change’ Why? I remain silent, holding down my emotions the best I can. In the evening, my mother arrives. I suddenly feel trap in my apartment. Mostly when she starts her eternal lecture as soon as she puts her luggage down. Really? Is that also the reason of your presence? F you! Both of you! I’m still listening. The time passes and the air around me becomes rare. All I want to do is take my car and drive as far as I can, but a part of my brain forbids me. My brother leaves the next day. So does my mother. Why did she came? I feel relieved. I can breathe again. Although, my anger has grown.
I decide to draw anything that comes in my mind. To get rid of that anger. It’s therapeutic. Music helps as well. Stop does writing. A week later, I start the process of moving on. To do so I apply to several job offer throughout the country. It doesn’t matter where I am going, the instant part is that I’m going. The very next day, a phone call wake me up. Half asleep, I look at the number. Unknown. I don’t pick up. If it’s important , they’ll leave a message. I go back to sleep. Thirty minutes later, I am full awake. ‘Bet everything that call was in fact really important.’ I check on my phone. I have a voice mail: ‘ Hello, Mrs. Nobody. I’m calling you in response to your application to our job offer. I read your resume and you are, actually, exactly what I’m looking for. So call me back as soon as you can to talk a little more about you, the firm and more financial things. I’m looking forward to hear from you. Goodbye.’ My eyes open widely. One day.

It’s not how hard you hit the ground. It’s how fast you get back up.

-Nelly-

Spotlight

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On top of my sixteen years of existence on this Earth, I was at the lowest point of my life. Someone from my past reached out to me. He unlocked the door to my hell. Slowly but steady, I saw darker and darker. Life didn’t matter anymore. Death took place. Colors faded. I have never been that deep into a negative feeling since my third year of middle-school when I fought against someone who has openly mocked me. It was ridiculous. Both times.

My way out of this depression was simple : I’ve decided to feel better. My philosophy teacher at the time said something that struck me. ‘Life is made of waves. Sometimes you’re at the top of the waves; sometimes you are in the trough of it.’ As I heard those words, I choose to climb at the top and stay there. To face the ups and downs that make life interesting, I started to train my brain to think and see differently. I looked at the world as if it’s new, searching for details that make it beautiful. I changed my point of view to see my environment like a child again. I opened my mind to others, tried not to make a quick judgement on anything or anyone. It was the beginning of my awakening. Life became easier, brighter and funnier.

At eighteen, the final step of my arousal was complete when i realized the nature of my anchor. Even if I couldn’t stand her behavior, I still loved… Love her. I started the process of finding myself. I defined my dream – which is not a secret tonight anymore – thanks to four characters : Trevor McKinney, Ben Thomas, Moritaka Mashiro and Tetsuya Kuroko. They might be fictional, but they gave me strength to walk through my own path. Two of them lead me the way, one of them motivated me and the last one showed me how.

From that moment on, I worked on myself to become who I am today. I dedicated my life to help those in need and support them to accomplish their wildest dream. The process wasn’t easy. I had few downfalls. This dream almost killed me some times to times, it’s reality that speaks. Few people didn’t understand my vision and called me naïve, simple or a dreamer. But you know the song. They said I will have to grow up one day – I don’t even know what that means – And because of that I spend most of my time in loneliness. But it was worth it. All of it.

I am truly honored to receive this award, but I have to say : this shouldn’t be in my hands. I shouldn’t be here. This belongs to all of you who made this place a better one. Who showed others by your talent, courage, goodness and behavior that the world isn’t as screwed as it looks like. I am a shadow. You are the light. My life wasn’t the toughest, on the contrary, I had an easy life. All I did was to ease the weight on your shoulders so you can shine brighter…

And I walk out. Arf, I can’t do this.

– ‘Why?’

– ‘Like I said : I am a shadow. I don’t feel comfortable being under the spotlight.’

– ‘But you are honored. You have to make an acceptance speech.’

– ‘Ergh… I have an idea! Let’s not go!?’

– ‘Come on! You already spoke to a large group of people before, this isn’t any different.’

– ‘But I won’t be talking about me. That’s the big difference… I’d rather stay in the shadow. How did they found out about me anyway?’

– ‘Someone must have told them… Hum, by the way, did you pay your rent this month?’

– ‘Nope, not yet, I’m working on it. Well, I have to go! See you later.’

Thank you, Sykes, for the kind words. The idea was inspiring, loved it. Although, sublime may be exaggerated.

Control

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Have you ever had a day where everything went wrong? I had. Not often but i had.

I woke up this morning – hardly, but i’m surprised i got off my bed that quick – to go to work. It’s my third day. I arrive a lil bit earlier than i’m supposed to and i start to observe those whom work and learn from what i see. But twenty minutes later – I’m standing when i observe someone working because if i sit, i probably gonna fall asleep, which is not good – my legs start to ache and i’m getting bored. Then, suddenly, a coworker asked me if i want to practice. I said ‘yes’ – even if it’s not the specialty i’m looking for – But experience is experience, so i took the chance to not getting bored again. I worked – it wasn’t good… like at all – until lunch time.

I walked fast to get to the police station – i had some trouble to solve – When i got there, i ask to the reception if i could see a particular police officer, but i didn’t remember his name, only his work title. The officer who answered me told me that she couldn’t do anything if i didn’t have the name. I was surprised by that helpless sentence. I felt really disappointed: she did nothing! She just looked at me and said ‘There’s nothing i can do for you if you don’t have this or this’. She was helpless. No, it’s not even that. She looked like she didn’t even want to help me. I don’t like that kind of attitude. So i left. On my way to my place – i needed this problem to be solved quickly so i went home to get the paper where the dude name is written – just one station after i took the tramway, controlers are getting inside. I see four of them: they were in the car next to mine – so i thought i was safe if i kept it low – all in suit: white shirt, black pants and a bag – that’s how we recognize them – The tram starts to go. I think, i’m safe but i was a lil bit nervous. Then, on my left, i heard: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, please, show your tickets’. My heart beats so fast at that time! I was like: ‘Oh com’on!! Why!!’ i turn around to watch them because i didn’t see them coming: they were dressed like civilians!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes. Since when they do that? Are they that desperate? – that’s what i thought – I knew i was screwed so i didn’t even try to lie. The lie would have been too big for them to believe it. So i showed my ID, music in my hears, paid the bill – fifty euros… Damn! – and just ignored them. I had an attitude, i knew it. But i was mad. – Still am – i went off at a station, went to another tram. One station later, four other controlers come in. I was: ‘OMG!! Is this a joke? Did someone cursed me?’ – i’m not a believer… At least, i don’t think i am – so, i see three people getting off the tram, i decided to follow them hoping they won’t stop me to ask for my ticket. – because i still didn’t buy one. I’m that stupid – They didn’t. They just watched us getting out. I was still mad. Few minutes later, while i was waiting for the next tram to come, i saw the controlers who, well, controlled me. They were talking about me. I know it because they were impersonating my behaviour. That annoyed me so much.

So i walked home trying to calm myself down. I took my car, because i didn’t want to pay anything more. I parked in front of the police station, waited for the police officer i was looking for to come. After ten minutes, we met, we solved the problem, i left and drive as fast as i could to work. But i wasn’t fast enough and arrived late. Not late late, but five maybe ten minutes late. I don’t like being late at work. I feel like it disrespectuf. Then i went back to the work i started in the morning. I thought i finished it an hour and a half later but when my boss saw it… Well, he laughed. I was like: ‘Okay…’ He gave me a model that i could copy and told me: ‘You’re here in formation, use a model’. I said ‘okay’ with  enthousiasm and started over. Two hours, maybe two hours and a half, later, i finished my work, showed it to my boss again and waited for the verdict… ‘There we go: it’s better. It’s good. Let’s do an other one.’ He gave me another job to do, i tried to finish it before i finish work, that is in twenty minutes. I really try in the first seven minutes then, i found the tooth way to weird so i took my time to really understand its shape. At six pm, i left: i was tired and still a lil bit upset.

Have you ever had a day where everything went wrong? I had. Today was one of these day. But i kept pushing to go through it. – Now i’m tired, i’m going to sleep. Good night. And sweet dreams.

Tell me

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I’ve made a decision. Well, to be more precise, some decisions.

Usually, I don’t see what my future is made of. Before – I’m talking about my high school’s years – I kind of had that weird impression of success when I passed my exams. No matter what I did during those tests, I knew somehow I was going good, even if I did crap on that test. I had a good feeling. But, about two years ago, I lost it. All I can see is… Nothing. Darkness. Well, I feel like my life will be short. By short, I mean, three more years top. Beyond that, there’s nothing. And I’m not afraid. I’m not telling myself to move my butt and do something to change that. No. I don’t want to change that. I’m fine with it. Actually I think deep down I wanted it. But, just to be clear, it’s just an impression, a feeling, an intuition. Not the reality. I’m probably gonna live a loooong life. I don’t know.
So, in my mind, in the next three years, I will graduate miraculously, I’ll get a job away from where I am now – but in the same country – and I will have that adult boring routine – which I probably already have since I left middle-school. – All I can see beyond those three years is that I will be gone somehow. I’m thinking by accident, like a car accident.

Last month, I decided to review my lessons from the last past year. So I can walk in class feeling like I know what we are talking about and not feeling like a complete idiot. So I told myself, I motivate myself to review everything in a month. I was motivated… Really… For an hour. Then my laziness took over and I didn’t do anything. I was like a seal stranded on the beach. It was ridiculous how lazy, unproductive and useless I was. Then, the guilt came. I felt so bad about the fact that I’m not the one who pays my private school. All I had to do is attending classes and graduate. But no, I’m stupid enough to just waste that money around by doing nothing. So last week, I realized that school starts only in October, so I have an extra month! – to chill – I pulled myself together and I prepared myself to work like I did once. I found myself a new internship where I could learn something I was afraid to do or I disliked. I started yesterday. And I have to admit, it was cool. The people whom work there are nice, they explain clearly what they are doing and I learned something. It was great. Then I came home, I took a nap because I’m not used to be awake during the day – and working on top of that – and I grab a lesson and started to review it. It was hard to focus but I finished around midnight and it felt good. I also learned some stuff from that lesson. It was interesting. Who knew? – Maybe the teacher and my classmates, I don’t know.

During a pause between two paragraphs, I planned something in my head. I thought about what I’m gonna do next. First, I will work my a*s off to get that degree. Then I will find a job somewhere and stay in the same place for at least two maybe three years. Then, when I’ll feel that is time, I will search for an other job but in Canada. I will find one. I will move and live in North America for at least two maybe four years. Then, when I’ll feel the time is right, I will look for an other job but in the United States this time. And I will live there until I die. Or maybe, I’ll move around in USA. I’ll go back and forth from where I will live to where my family is during my vacation. Yeah, I will do that.

I’ve made a decision. Well, to be more precise, I saw my future

Did you ever truly missed someone? I did.

Someone just told me that she miss me. I don’t understand it. I’m not insensitive. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I don’t see what in me can be missed. I don’t get why. Or maybe, I’m not used to it.
I spend my life traveling. Well not really traveling, I just moved a lot. More than once at least. I made friends along the way but each time I moved, I didn’t keep touch with them. Not all of them. It’s hard and weird at the same time. Hard in the way that I’m shy or I don’t talk to stranger easily. And weird because… Somehow I find it weird.
In every city, i entered in a new, unknown world. With people, kids who knew each other since they’re born. Maybe not since they’re born but since their childhood. They had their habits, their own code, language and jokes. They knew where each of them lives. They spend most of their time together. Their parents know everyone’s parents. When I came in, I was the new kid. The stranger. The blank page. The first time, I changed school, the director put me in the back of the playground. Five minutes has passed. Few kids started to stare and point in my direction. Two minutes later, I was surrounded by the whole school. The same questions came to my hears again and again: where do you come from? What’s your name? Do you wanna be my friend? In which class are you going? I could barely answer to them. Then the bell saved me. A little more and I drowned. During that year, I made friends. But I wasn’t specifically close to one of them.
Then I moved again. I didn’t say goodbye to them or even tell them that I left. My first contact with the new school was completely different. I was next to a small playground where the director was about to call every name to put them in a class. All the kids of my age waited also. I looked around and they were watching me, whispering and kept moving. Then a boy came to me. He asked me where I lived. At that time, I didn’t know, because I just moved in and I didn’t memorize my new address. So I told him: ‘I don’t know’. He looked at me and insulted me. I didn’t understand why. But I didn’t want to cause any troubles so I let it go. Later that year, the same boy became my friend and he told me that he thought I was crazy at the beginning of the year, because I didn’t know my address, but now he know it’s because I was new in town. I laughed. I spend six years in that town. I made some friends, some supposed close friends. Supposed because today, I don’t speak to them anymore. Well not all of them. There is one guy, which I used to date, that I still talk to. Some times to times. He became my best friend. Well, one of my friends. Because I don’t really know what that means.
Then I moved for the third time. My last year of high school. I spend it in a new town. It was… Cold. I think that’s the word. The first person who came to talk to me was a girl If I recall correctly. She explained to me how the school worked and how to get to my different classrooms. She was nice but she didn’t like the classmates we were in. So she asked to change class and they gave her what she wanted. It was the beginning of the year so I guess it wasn’t important. I stopped talking to her the next day. I didn’t see her anymore. Then, while I was sitting outside minding my own business, a guy came and sat next to me. Then two or three girls sat on the other side and finally an other guy sat next to the first one. They talked to me like they knew me for long time now. There were the same old questions that came back. I had the time to answer them. I made some friends. At the end of the year, we all kind of split off. We went to different universities. Some of us moved in the same city. The big city next door. But oddly, I lost touch with them. I still speak to one person though. A girl who moved out in a different town.
During my two years of college, I met new people through an association. We were a solid group. Were. The second year, there was a moment of break and I ended up hanging up with two of them. I don’t speak to any of them nowadays except for two guys. But it doesn’t seem natural to me to talk to them.
Then I moved again. And this is the last. I started in a new school. I decided not to speak to anyone. Being alone doesn’t bother me for a long time now. I decided not to make new friends because apparently, I couldn’t stay in touch with them anyway. But one person, a girl, started to talk to me. I let her bother me at first thinking it was just for the day then she would leave me alone. But I thought wrong. She became my friend. I still talk to her even if she moved out last year. She’s the one who told me she missed me. With her came two guys who became my friends too. But I lost touch with one of them even if I know that if we meet somehow again we would talk like we said goodbye yesterday. She introduced me to her best friend and after meeting only few times, he considers me as a close friend. Well, as he says himself, as his daughter.
That’s what I don’t understand. Over the years, I saw that friendships were frivolous and don’t last long. Maybe it’s just me. But when I see two people whom are so close and know each other since they can’t remember, I’m asking myself: ‘how do they do that? How do they feel about each other?’ I wish I knew. But I don’t wish to be in their situation though. Or maybe I do but I don’t want to realize it yet. I don’t know. Being close to someone is a strange feeling for me. I’m not used to it. I don’t think I will ever be. So when someone tells me that they miss me, I don’t understand. I don’t see what can be missed in me? Or just even why? I asked that question to a friend and he told me because they love me. I didn’t know what to say. I thought at that time, and still now, I’m not sure I know how love feels. Or what is love? (Baby don’t hurt me… No more). Perhaps, it’s because I wasn’t, and still not, close to people around me. It’s true also that I don’t express my feelings. Not the way others do. I see myself as a stranger with my friends, people I don’t know and even… my family. It’s weird. I’m weird.

Did you ever truly missed someone? I don’t think I truly did

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Robbery

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Have you ever been robbed? I had. Three times. It pissed me off.

The first time, three Romanian decided to break one of my car’s window and took my wallet with all of my papers in it. They acted during the night. I think it was around 2 am. The next morning, when I saw the car, I got furious. I was so mad  I broke down.
The second time, it was in my building. At that time, my mother used to visit me at crazy hours like 2 am or 4 am. So when a group of young adults rang at my door for ten minutes, I opened, thinking it was my mother. So, they entered in the building, I waited for ‘my mother’ to knock at my door but ‘she’ didn’t.  They went upstairs and knocked loudly at a door. The guy they visited didn’t open them. So they left. And when they left, they took my bike. A gift from someone who doesn’t give me a lot of gift. So I took care of it. Well, until they stole it. When I discovered it disappeared, I was upset. I was pissed off. But I didn’t cry.
The last time, it was few days ago. Someone went into my car and stole every CDs in it. There was around fifteen, maybe, twenty albums. Some of them were gifts, others weren’t mine.
After each time, I got mad at humanity. And myself. Each time, I felt stupid to be robbed, like it was my fault. That’s the reason why I broke down the first time. I blamed myself. I blame myself to trust people. To think everyone is good and won’t steal from other. To think there was still people who knew the difference between good and bad. I blame myself to be naive at those moments. I blame myself to think there’s still humanity in this world. Then I wondered: why would people steal? What is the point? Why would they do that? Don’t they have any pride or even courage to find a job and pay for what they want? Instead they just steal from those who worked hard to have what they have. It’s cowardly.
I lose a lil bit of faith in humanity everytime I am robbed. The reason I’m talking about this is, this morning, I got wake up by a call from my house owner. He told me that my door was open and there were clothes next to the trash. I started to think of every valuable thing that was in my apartment. I made a list In my head and I tried to remember if I took a picture of them for the assurance. He told me he would go check out for me, because he was closer than me to my flat, and he will call me back. One hour has passed. I thought about how would i react if someone got in my house? The only place where I feel safe. How could I feel safe after that? Then i received a call. My owner again. He told me it was nothing, it was his fault: he didn’t locked correctly the door but no one came in or took anything. I was relieved. So was he. He scared the hell out of me. For one hour, I was down. My thoughts ran in my head, the same question came back over and over again: why? Why would they do that?
I thought with time, I would’ve find the answer. I thought wrong. I still don’t know. But what I found something else. If I don’t wanna see that happens again, i have to change something. And i know exactly how to do so.
In the end, i think i don’t loose faith in humanity everytime. Au contraire, i think it gets stronger.or my conviction gets stronger. I don’t really see the difference for now.

Have you ever been robbed? I had. Three times. It made me stronger

Not so fast but a lil bit furious

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What is your pace?

I was told I am weird. It might be true. Actually I’m sure I am. Sometimes I don’t react or act the same way as everyone else does. It might not be a problem or piss someone off. And I don’t understand why. I’m different, so what?
When I look around me, I see everyone moving so fast. Like there is a fire behind them and if they slow down for a couple of second, they’re gonna burn. Slow down. Why being so hurried? Even when they have lunch with a friend, they are so fast. I don’t get it. Ok, maybe at work,  your boss want you to work fast because, as they say, time is money. But when you’re off work, why d’you keep doing everything fast? It’s like they don’t know to take a break. Or if they do, it’s gonna be quick. I was told I am slow. I don’t think that’s entirely right. Maybe I am slow. I admit sometimes, I do things slowly. Because I don’t feel any rush of doing those things. But people are way too fast. They do everything so quickly, what for? So you can do more? Ok, but do you enjoy doing what you do? I’m sure even when they’re supposed to do something they love, they don’t take time to enjoy that moment and appreciate it. Even if they want to take time, they will get bored in five minutes.
There’s a song with a chorus that represent exactly the way I wanna live. The chorus says: “Life’s fast. I just wanna take it really slow” (Save Ferris by MayDay!)  It’s simple, and yet, not everybody understand that. It’s strange.

What is your pace? I don’t rush but I’m not slow. Let’s say I’m in the middle.

Insomnia

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How do you sleep at night?

I have insomnia. I don’t sleep very well. By that I mean that I hardly find sleep and when I do, I do weird dreams and when I wake up, i’m still tired and preoccupied.
Almost every night, before I sleep, I always start to think about my life: about what I have been through, what I have accomplished, what I have failed and most importantly what is going to happen. All of that strike me right when I wanna sleep. And when I think about all of that, it’s for hours, not just minutes like I enumerate every big moments of my life. No. I review everything that led me to that precise moment. Like a movie. My mind don’t or can’t rest properly. It always has to be active otherwise it’ll die.
It started, like, two years ago. I changed my cursus and since I started a new formation, I started to get worry about my future. Because, I have to admit, I don’t love what I do. I don’t hate it either. It’s just that I’m not enjoying every aspects of this job. But it’s ok. I don’t consider it as a total negative point of my life. It’s just a job after all. After work, I can do whatever I want. It’s not the issue.
The thing is that before, I could clearly see what my future is going to be. I could see myself old with people around me, happy, in peace and success full in achieving my dream. But now… It’s just blurred. I can’t even figure out what I’m going to do tomorrow. I live day after day without making any long term plan. It’s like I gave up on something. Maybe myself. I walk in the street like a ghost: nobody sees me and I don’t want anybody sees me. I do everything I can to be unseen, transparent.
Why? (i was about to say: it’s simple, but it’s not really simple. Well, for me, it is simple. But you might not see it the same way) I don’t feel like I belong here. By here, I mean on Earth, amongst the living people. I have that weird impression that I have no reason to live. I don’t worth it. I don’t deserve everything that happens to me. I don’t deserve to live. Because I don’t have a big propice. I don’t plan on doing a remarkable thing or on being a huge artist that everyone will look up to. I’m not planning on improving my life. As matter as a fact, I like my life the way it is. I don’t want to change a thing. Maybe that’s why I don’t do much. And maybe that’s why I think I don’t deserve it. Because, somewhere, around the world, there is one person, or more, that has a difficult life, could easily improve it and do big things if he/she was in my shoes. And I’m just wasting it. Like: why am I here? What is the point of me living the way I live? What am I supposed to do? Living wealthily while others are starving? Or killed for no reason? What am I supposed to do? Is it even right for me to wake up every day without worrying about my survival? Is that right?
And I fall asleep.
Those questions are left unanswered and I can’t talk about it with people around me. They won’t understand. So I’m looking for answer by myself but I don’t know where to start. And every night, those questions cone back and I think about it for about two hours before I sleep. I don’t know what to do. It’s endless.
You’re gonna say: inspire yourself with those who thought about it before you. Watch the greatest men that stood for what they believed was the right thing. You’re maybe right. I should be inspire by them. But I don’t have their personality. It’s not the way I am. I’m not a leader. I’m more a spectator than anything else. I don’t like being under the spotlight. I prefer staying in the shadow. I’m a shadow. I’d rather helping someone succeed and shine than succeed myself and shine. So as a shadow, what can I do? If I don’t have a light to shine, what can I do? I looked for one. Well, I’m still looking.

How do you sleep at night? Me? Not very well.