Faded Happiness

Writing challenge

My favorite childhood meal… It’s not really a meal. It’s more a candy: Crunch. And it’s not really my favorite either, it’s just… It reminds me of a picture i lost along my several moves. I’m not even sure that picture has really been taken. That souvenir was from my nineth birthday. Or so i thought until few days ago when i calculated how many time i’ve been in this country.

I arrived in 2002, so it’s been twelve years. Twelve years. That’s long. Anyway, few months later, my cousine, her husband, some of his family, my cousin and his wife, and my aunt organised me a birthday party. It was actually pretty cool. Well, heck it! It was awesome. The best birthday party i ever attended. I don’t remember having any presents but there was just one thing i remember clearly: my father was there. It was the first time i’ve seen him in many years.

We went to a park next door. All kids played soccer but without rules.  Adults were next the table eating all afternoon and watching us having fun. It was like anarchy but in a funny way. I remember laughing a lot, smiling all the time. My father joined us, trying to keep up. You know how funny it is to see an adult in his fifty playing football with ten years old kids? I loved it. The next memory i have from that day is the lake at the opposite way of the park. I was sitting by the lake with him. He was at my left and i was holding a bar of Crunch in my hands. I’m not a big talker and neither was he. I guess i got that from him. At that time, i was just a kid without any money, and i didn’t really needed it, but i wasn’t living in wealth. So him buying me a chocolat bar meant something special to me.

Now everytime i see a chocolate bar of Crunch, i remember that sweat happy memory and can’t help but buy one.

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Power of Music

Writing challenge

I mostly listen to Hip Hop music – when i say hip hop, i’m talking about rap and r’n’b – because of the rhythm. I don’t understand all of the lyrics but the sample can just entertain me. Lyrics could be about politic but if the beat is good, i will love that song. Not for the lyrics but the beat.

I mostly listen music by period. I can listen to only one song for weeks. The same song again and again and again. Without being bored by it. I just can be stuck to one song for a very ong time. Usually, when it’s happening it’s because – again – of the rhythm, the mood that set up the song and the meaning of the lyrics. I have a lot of songs that represent different time of my life. Mostly of them might be sad but i always found a way to step up, move on and pass it. So, i have more than three important songs – I think – in my life. But i’m gonna pick up three of them randomly and trying to put you in my mood at the time i was listenning to it.

About Today – The National

About Today by The National… Actually, i discovered this song not long ago thanks to a friend who recommend me a movie in which it was played perfectly – the movie was Warriors – First, when i saw the scene with the song in the background, i just cried. Well almost cried, tears where on my eyes – is that english? – So when the credits came out, i just looked for that particular song. I checked it on youtube then i legaly donwload it. For the next few days, ok not days but months – at least two i think – i was just listening to that song. All day long. Even at night – because i listen to music when i sleep, without that i can’t fall into Morphee’s arms. And oddly, the more i listen to the song, the more i was beat down. I questioned the meaning of life – which was not the first time but it’s getting more serious every time – the reason of me living the way i live. I asked myself a lot of questions without getting any good answers. Like why am i even aliev? What am i supposed to do with this life that was given to me? Because, to be frank, i have this kind of ‘easy’ life and when i look around me – when i say around, i mean in the world, not just my neighborhood – i see people whom are in such a miserebale place – and by miserable, i mean their environment – but are so amazing, amazingier – if it’s a word. If it’s not, well, it’s gonna be a new one – than me. So why i, the person that has no special talent and no purpose, have a more confortable life than someone who wanna do big things and who dreams big? Why do i get that chance? I still don’t know the answer to that question. So when i listen closely to the lyrics of About Today, i felt like… Yeah, that close to what i feel. I didn’t say, but on top of those unanswered questions, i felt like my dream, my own dream was slipping away from me. Or not, it’s not even that: i was the one who slipped away. I slipped away from my own dream. Do you realize how low is that? How low i could feel? – I don’t know if you realize, but it was pretty bad – At some point, i didn’t even care about my life anymore. I thought that i died right in the minutes, someone else would’ve take my place and live my life – but i realize later that it wasn’t possible, or it could be but there were some stuff to take care of before and i wasn’t in the mood to think smartly – So as i listen to the song, i was imagining my dream talking to me with the lyrics. When it says : ‘How close am i to losing you?’ that’s my dream asking me how close he was to losing me – and yes, i imagine my dream as a human being male… Leave me be – I felt like everytime the song repeats, i get this ‘chance’ to have a conversation with my dream – which is more like my conscience that put me in a the right way – and to refocus on what i should really do. But it took time, i’m not gonna lie. It’s like the more ‘he’ asks about me drifting away, the more i try to get back on my feet and putting myself in a positive… – I don’t have the word… I lost it… – place!! – There we go – After a while, around… Maybe a month and a half of depression, i climbed back that huge mountain that is life, did small little things that i like – because i was becoming a huge beached cachalot – trying to keep myself busy and not to think to much about me being gone. Day after day, i put myself together and i set up a goal for this song that could help me get rid of those feelings that pushed me down. Get free of it: i decided to draw my version of the song. When i looked for it, at the beginning, on youtube, i didn’t find any clip – there’s still not – so i decided to create a clip with my own tools. The storyline was in my mind since the beginning, all i needed to do was to put it on paper. And that’s what i did. I draw a small story, put all my feelings in it and put it on my wall – literally – Since the day i finished it, i still think about death and all the questions about the meaning of life but in a more lighter way. Like it’s something that is going to happen, soon or later, and i have to achieve what really matter to me in the mean time. In the end, that song really helped me think differently than before. Or maybe it’s just me growing up and it has nothing to do with the song… No! Let’s say it was the song, because i really like it. Today, i still can listen About Today, with a point of nostalgia and a lot of love, amusement – i don’t know which one, really… Pleasure!! – And a lots of pleasure.

May i never find – Chris Brown

Chris Brown. I know, i know. Y’all are going to tell me that he’s a violent guy, not an example for the young generation, etc. I agree. What happened between him and Rihanna – Rihanna and him? – is really horrible, not something to laugh at and it’s an important matter, problem, subject. Ok. But – yes, there is a but – i don’t really care about that. I feel sorry for Rihanna, of course – i’m not a horrible person – but when i talk about Chris Brown, i’m talking about his music. Not his personal life. With that being said, let’s get back to our prompt.

So, i put one song : ‘May i never find’, but it’s more about the album in itself. His very first one. It calms me down. Well, used to. Because, now, i don’t really get upset about much things. So everytime someone pisses me off, i don’t scream or punsh everything – or everyone – around me. I just close myself to the world, shut myself up and put music in my hears. Everytime, it’s gonna be Chris Brown’s first album. I don’t know why, but the old school – i consider it like old school. Today’s hip hop beats are mixed with electro, it’s kind of disgusting… Well most of what i hear on the radio – beat, sound and the voice that goes with it just calms my nerves, relaxes my heartbeat and free my mind of all the bullcrap i am in. I listen to that album over and over again until i’m calm enough to talk and fix everything up with that person that put me in the dark side. If i’m not calm, i won’t talk to anyone. It’s a principle. Why? I saw way too many movies where the characters say things they shouldn’t say or are going to regret to the people they are upset with. So, to avoid that, because i can say horrible things if i ever speak my mind, i just prefer to shut up, let the storm pass and then try to fix the problem. But when i say i’m calm enough to talk, it doesn’t mean that i’m not upset anymore. It’s just that i took a step back, thought everything through and, depending on the person’s reaction, kick that person out of my life or not. Or just literally kick that person – it happened.

Désolé – Sexion D’Assaut

It’s a french rap music. From a french group – obviously – who was discored by the public with that song. Well, there was another song before this one, but this is better than the first single. This made me like them. The lyrics are about being sorry to not being amazing, about their hard past life. But i don’t really like this song for the lyrics. Well, i do but it reminds me of my last year of high school, that’s the reason why i particularly like it.

My senior year of high school. I just moved in a new town, i knew nobody there. New rules, new way of speaking, new accent, new people, higher level. At the beginning of that year – well, like every beginning of any year since then – i didn’t really talk to anyone. Because i didn’t want to. I don’t have anything to say, that’s the main reason, as matter as a fact. It’s just that. So, when they saw me, alone, minding my own business, some people came to me. They were nice. Thanks to them, i was introduced to the entire class i was in. And even the entire senior students. So the year gos by, i made friends, everything went fine and the song came out. Most of us were crazy about it. We all knew the chorus and the last word of every sentence. Everytime – i say a lot ‘everytime’, it’s weird – someone is saying sorry, someone else starts to sing the chorus and we finish it together. It was funny. There’s one day, i was listen to the song on the radio and i just wrote the lyrics on my philosophy paper. I kept writing my dissertation – i don’t remember the subject – finished it and went to sleep. As i was lying on my bed, i was thinking : Maybe i should erase what i wrote… Then i fell asleep. The next morning, i completly forgot about it. I gave my paper to the teacher and life went on. It was on the inside, so i couldn’t see it and erase it quickly. Like, maybe, two weeks or three weeks later, she gave us back our dissertation with our grades – i don’t remember either the grade i had, it must have been around 10-12/20. I wasn’t that brillant in that class – I looked at my paper, opened it to see the comments she made then i saw it : there was the chorus written with a pencil and below, there was her hand writing in red saying something lika this :

If you have any problems in your mind or at home, i just want to let you know that i’m here in school hours, if you ever feel like talking to anyone. Even days where we don’t usually have class together.

It made me laugh. Obviously, she didn’t know the song. I showed it to my friends, they laughed too. Then i thought to myself : Well, that’s a good teacher. It’s good to know. She’s nice. Later, three years later, a friend of mine, the only one i kept in touch with since the end of high school, told that story to her friends. I don’t know about their reactions, she told me they laughed. It was epic. I need to find that paper.

Oh, the chorus says – roughly :

‘And i had to live by the streets

Step by step, i’m telling myself it can’t be true

Dad, Mom, i’m sorry

I feel like isolating myself.’

Each song has a meaning for me. It represents a certain moment of my life, a memory that i can’t and i won’t forget. It brings me back in time when i need it.

Weird unlocking mind

Writing challenge

I have twenty minutes to unlock my mind… ok. What to talk about?

I took my longboard to go to work today. First time, it was exhausting. I ate a ‘consistent’ breakfast – Miss independant, to the fullest – but it took all my energy.

Whooooa! I’m so tired. I felt two weird pressure on my back this afternoon like someone was poking me. But nobody was behind me, so i felt weird… It was weird. Like litterally someone was touching me. I freaked out.

Sometimes love comes around; And then knocked you down, knocked you down…. but it happens…

Whoooa! My back ache so much. I might need a massage.

Now that i think about it, i don’t have much to say.

They’re talking about taxes on TV. I wonder how it works. How they calculate it. The dude on TV has a weird head. Like the top is big and it’s getting thiner as you go down.

Tryna let go… Nananana

Oh! They’re now talking about Netflix.

If this love only exist in my dreams…. Don’t wake me up. Inside my cup. If i wake and you’re here still… About your lips…

Whoooooa! – That’s my yawning, by the way.

I’m cold… My right elbow ache for no reason. I should turn the light on, it’s getting dark. And the light of my computer’s getting stronger.

Seven minutes left. Sblah!!!!

Hey chick, imma lost for words.. My swagg and my confidence from.

My eyes are closing themself… I need to review my lessons… But i don’t want to.

What’s up!!? – What? – Sblah!! My brain is dead.

Ha! My song just came out: I don’t care, i’m aware she makes me cry baby, cry!!!…Was to get rid of me!…I don’t know about the world, but i know of a girl, i don’t care… I wanted her, but she wouldn’t!…Cry!! Baby! Cry!! Baby!!…It was september!…I smile at her, she passed at me!… Under!… Fresh!… Sister!…In the prom dress!

Ummm… What?

Writing challenge

I’m sitting at a café when a stranger approaches me. This person asks what my name is, and, for some reason, i reply: ‘Nobody’. The stranger nods, ‘I’ve been looking for you.’

I stare at him, suspicious about the man sitting in front of me. He seems old. An old dark hair man with few gray hair on the side. He’s wearing a black shirt with some odd skinny jeans. Probably a old guy trying to be young… Why did he come to me? There’s other people around, why me!?! We are now staring at each other in a complete silence. We can only hear whispers of others conversations next to our table. I’m waiting for him to explain his previous sentence but he didn’t seem to continue his thought. After a while, i feel the pressure of this silence and his eyes.

– ‘Who are you?’

– ‘I’ve been watching you for a while now.’

I step back in my chair a little bit and take the strap of my bag. I am ready to leave at any moment. This dude is creepy. But he gets closer to the table. I put my hands on my knee just in case he’s trying to grab me. Then, he continues:

– ‘I know you don’t know me but i know you’

I got that, go to the point already! He looks around us and gets closer to me like he’s about to tell a big secret. His hands get nervous and he’s sweating a little bit. What is he doing? As he’s getting closer and i’m pushing more and more my chair, the waitress comes to our table. Instantly, he steps back, looks at the girl who froze for a second. I feel her fear so i’m trying to find a way to get his attention off her.

– ‘I don’t need anything else, thanks.’ I look at the man in front of me. ‘What about you…Creepy guy? Need anything?’

He glances at me before replying: ‘Nothing, thank you.’ The waitress left launching a sigh of relief. I’m asking again, as soon as she got far enough:

– ‘Who are you?’

– ‘I am Special Agent Turner. FBI.It’s been a while since we didn’t see each other’, he says with confidence in his eyes.

– ‘FBI… Special… Agent…? What?’ I stammer.

– ‘You look surprised, Nobody.’ Of course i look surprised! Why an FBI agent, on top of that special, would know me! You are surrounded, you can’t escape anymore.’

What? I look around me to try to identify the other agents but no one looked suspicious. There were teenagers, young couples, a very old woman probably waiting for the time to pass, some coworkers taking a break in between two interviews and the staff whom apply themselves in their work. My eyes went back on Agent Turner. He looked right through me with a smile that says he won.

– ‘What do you want?’ I ask more seriously.

– ‘I’m here to stop you from committing any other horrible crimes.’

– ‘I don’t know what you are talking about.’ My heartbeat goes faster as the conversation keeps going. I’m watching everyone’s move. Any sloghtest sound makes me jump on my seat.

– ‘You know damn well what i’m talking about… Nobody.’ He raises his voice as he gets exciting about this moment. My view gets blurred and i’m starting to trembling. What is going on? ‘Or should i call you: Tezuka… Saishi…Bob.’ He pauses, enjoying himself. ‘I have enough evidences to keep you behind bars for the rest of you life.’

Locking me up? Why? I’m getting nervous, thinking of any reason of why i can get locked. And for the rest of my life! Maybe he caught me stealing that money few years ago. Did i get caught on camera?… No, no. I was careful. I checked every corner, there wasn’t any camera. And no one was around. It was perfect… So why is he here? I heard a laugh that made me immerged from my thoughts. ‘You can’t escape’ he says. You said that already. I check again quickly around us. The agent is slightly overweight which means he can’t follow me if i jump on tables and sneak out.

– ‘I just want to know before i arrest you: all of your victims were young couples in their twenties’ he says. It’s a good plan. I can do it. ‘Why did you kill that ninety years old man?’ he asks. At three, i go. He continues: ‘He lived alone, caused problems to no one…’ Okay, three… ‘Dressed as Santa for the orphans. So why?’ Two… ‘Why kill him?’ Wait…

– ‘What?’

– ‘Why killing an old man? He was the opposite of each and any of your victims. So why?’ he repeats himself.

Killing? What is he talking about? I’m confused, i don’t understand any words his saying. ‘What do you mean by killing? Like killing killing someone?’ I ask. He looks surprised by my question. I get intrigued. Then the entire conversation come back to me. I see more clearly, my leg stopped tapping. My heart beats slower and stress leave me second after second. I look at him right in the eyes. He seems as confused as i am. He looks at me like it’s the first time he sees me. Suddenly, the chair behind me stumble. A man starts to run in the café trying to find a way to escape. The FBI agent, stupefied, reacts few seconds later and pursues him as fast as his body could gets him. I sit still on my chair, scared by the sudden agitation. I couldn’t move. They are now outside of the shop. The suspect made only few steps before two huge men in black tackle him so hard that he might have broken a bone. Agent Turner joins the fun and says his right to the suspect. When they took their prisoner in a car, the FBI agent turned at me. I followed their race but my mind was somewhere else. Few seconds later, every signs of the Federal Agency disapeared. And i keep staring at the chair where the creepy agent sat. And all i could think about is:

What just happened?

What would you do?

Writing challenge

It was a sunny hot day of september. One of a kind. Summer came late that year so it lasted until october. I just started a new job in a new town. I knew no one. For my first week-end, i decided to take a walk, visit the most famous places of this city and try to connect with the locals. As i walked through a long commercial street, the crowd got bigger and bigger. It’s getting hard to walk forward without walking into someone else. Suddenly, i feel a warm hand on my shoulder. I turned around to face the man who owns the hand. I couldn’t see him. The sun was behind him, blinding my eyes. All i can tell is that he was tall, around six feet tall. He took my right hand, turned my palm up and put his left hand on top of mine. A slightly cold air went through my arm to fade away in my chest. The feeling was refreshing but disturbing. The man told me something then left like he appeared. I stood there for a while, staring at the direction where that mysterious man went. When i came to my senses, the sun started to go to the other side of the planet. I came back home slowly, thinking of what just happened to me. Arrived to my place, i sat down on my couch and stared at my right hand. A strange sensation ran back and forth through my fingers.

‘The future belongs to you, now’.

That’s what he told me. That sentence is all i could think about that evening. What was the meaning of all this? Why me? What is going on?

The next day, i woke up slowly. My eyes didn’t want to open, so i stayed lying on my bed. My thoughts are immediately directed to yesterday. I closed my hand. I felt a strong light coming to me. And suddenly, i was in the middle of the same street i was yesterday. There was a lot of people like yesterday. Everything looked the same. Except for the weather; the sky is gray and threatens to break. In front of me, a man stands on a scale, trying to fix the sign of his shop. A little bit far from him, a kid is playing with a dog when, out of no where, the dog runs free toward the scale. his leash got stuck under the scale and knocks over the man, his head first.

I opened my eyes and i came back to my room, still lying on my bed. I didn’t move. My heart beated fast, i was sweating. i didn’t know what it was. Half an hour later, i finally get out of my bed and get ready to start my day. I didn’t pay any attention to what, i believe, was a dream. My day went on without any big troubles. Then, at the end of the afternoon, i was on the long commercial street in the middle of a huge crowd. I looked up and saw the clouds invading the sky. It’s gonna rain soon, i told myself. A weird feeling of déjà vu went through my body. I looked straight ahead of me and saw a man preparing a scale to fix his broken sign. At that time, i realized that maybe my dream wasn’t a dream. Then i looked a little bit further and noticed a lil boy playing with a big dog. The man climbed his scale and started to fix the sign, at the same moment, the dog went free and ran away from the boy. I was petrified: i couldn’t move. My mind went crazy, divided by the idea of doing something and the idea that i have seen this before. Right before the dog got closer to the scale, a man came out of the crowd and catched the dog. He played with him for few seconds and brought him back to his master. It was the same tall man as yesterday. He turned back, stared at me and walk toward me. He went to a small street in between two main streets. I followed him. He stopped and turned to me.

– ‘Every time you use it, you lose one day.’

– ‘Wait.. What?’

He walked out without saying anything else – it’s kind of difficult to walk out when you’re already outside, but you know what i mean – and disappeared in the crowd again. I looked at my right hand once again, intrigued. I closed it to see what happens. A bright light blinded me and i was somewhere else. It lasted few seconds like the first time then i came back to where i was. If it was what i believe it was, i had to hurry. So i ran to the tramway, jumped in it in extremis, got down at five stations later and ran again to an old lady who was about to cross the road. I grabbed her arm to stop her before she gets hit by a careless driver. So that’s what it is: a prediction. At that time, i thought about a TV show from the nineties : Early Edition and a song by the french rapper Soprano: Hiro.

From that day on, even if it costs me a day of my life, i’ve decided to use that ‘gift’ that was given to me, with those two references and others in mind.