The Fall

Imagination

The day has come. The time for him to face the reality of his choice was imminent: he couldn’t back off anymore. His feet were at the edge of emptyness, the wind blew strongly, warm and comforting ready to embrace his entire body. Below him, land seemed far away, cars and people were small moving like automations programmed to accomplish only one task: living. For a split second, he stared at the ground, the Earth that he will soon meet face-to-face. His confidence in his decision was at its fullest when, gently, a pressure on his back threw him in thin air. As gravity was loyal to its principle, confusion invaded his mind.

While ascending to the top, bravery grew in him. Each step required a deep breath allowing him to slow down his fear and expectations, to shut them up and find serenity. He gazed up and far beyond to the horizon. The sky was blue untainted by white with a bright stain of yellow, high above all. What a perfect day to end this, he thought. Once he reached the peak, he felt ready and determined. His hands were shaking a little bit but his heart wasn’t pounding frenetically, his eyes and mind were locked and focused: he was in peace.

But all the courage and confidence he gathered vanished, giving space to exaltation and excitement. He held on the harness surrounding his shoulders tightly, his mouth wide open. Any thoughts ran away from his brain as his chest leaned dangerously toward the ground. He couldn’t feel his legs anymore. A poke on his shoulder set off a reaction: he opened out his arms, spread them like wings. The friction between the atmosphere and his body gave him the sensation of flying. A huge smile, mixed with a mouth filled with infinite air, appeared on his face. As he made his way through the air, he understood what Superman felt like when he learned how to fly. Or just how flying birds felt every day: weightless and free. Few loud screams came out of his lungs as he soaked in the experience of free falling.

Suddenly, a force pulled him straight, stopping his fall dead. He let a ‘Oh shit’ slip. He grabbed the harness again to regain a sense of security then began his long way down. His legs were dangling in the air, his hands still on the harness and his head turning from left to right, his retinas enjoying the view from above he looked for his entire life. ‘My mouth is so dry.’ he claimed. Slowly and steadily, he landed following earlier’s instructions on the grass of the airport.

In matter of seconds, the monitor detached him: ‘Ooooh!! Oooh ooooh! Ooooooh! Wow. That was… Wow’ he said as he leaned on his knee fixing the turf below his feet. Amazing.

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Time (end)

Time

Wake up, Simo. WAKE UP!

It all started about six months ago. When scientists predicted a dead star will land on Earth’s surface. I wasn’t particularly worried about it. I know the value of Life and what Death represents. I encountered those two already. So when my childhood friend came to me, all excited, telling me stories and reports on the white dwarf, i had a slight vision of hope that everything on this planet will disappear to begin a new era. Never in my mind, i would think this would happen. Not to him. It didn’t cross my mind that i would feel this feeling again. This wait, this unknowing part where i can’t face reality yet. Almost a peaceful time where everything is possible: Life as Death. At the beginning, hope was allowed . I thought it was just a simple concussion and that he will wake up at any moment. I went to visit him every day, sleep by his side on this small couch under a thin blanket. After a month, hope faded slowly to completely disappear when i overheard the doctor clearly say: ‘I have no idea what’s happening to this kid.’. He was looking at his parents, totally powerless. I understood them. All three of them. There’s nothing we could do and nothing was done. When he started to have random seizures and heart attacks, hope became dangerous. I forbid myself to think of the day he would wake up. Yet, every night i found myself talking to him and telling him to wake up. I dislike this in between situation strongly. It makes every tasteless. I already lost my father, i can’t lose my brother too. Lately, the only thing that helped me stay alive and kept me smiling was Thea. But i could see that she started to suffer from this as well. My mind wasn’t with her when it’s supposed to. The night she told me she couldn’t stand this version of me was the night i gave up on life. I needed a light to keep me going on but she took it away with her. Nothing made sense anymore.

The one who suffered the most, beside his parents, i think was Meagan. Ever since they met, they had that certain complicity: every of their actions were in sync to each other, every thought were simultanous and their attraction for each other was an obvious. Where ever one goes, the other follows, like magnets. They had chemistry. And suddenly, it stopped. She became like me: a hollow body wandering without goal. Although, she fought longer than me. It was only recently that she gave up on him too. She started to process his death on the longest day of the year. She realized he was there with us without being there. It was the first time i saw her cry. Thea and i couldn’t do anything about it. We just stared blankly at the fireworks displayed in the night sky. I asked if anyone would spent the night with me by his side. They declined. I guessed it was too much for them to handle. I understood. Every time i see him lay there, without making any noise, motionless, barely breathing, my heart hurts. That night, i sat down first, as usual, then my eyes had locked on him and the machine he was attached to. Doctors said that they think patients in the coma could hear us. I never knew what to say and closed myself into a deep silence to always end up whispering the same sentence as i fall alseep, on that rigid couch: ‘Wake up, man. Wake up.’

 

– ‘HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!’

– ‘Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The entire floor stood still. Ezekhiel jumped out of his sleep, his body rudely reminded the laws of gravity. He looked up and saw. It took him a few seconds to process the image played before his eyes. He stood up, ran to the hallway, called for nurses, whom were already reacting, then came back to the bed side. The monitor went out of control: numbers skyrocketed, signals sped their pace as the heart pounded loudly and the brain retrieved some activities. ‘He’s tachycardic!’ a nurse yelled. ‘Give him a dose of sedatif.’ An intern proceeded to the injection while nurses tried to hold him down. It only took the product few seconds to be effective. The calm returned when Simo’s parents stepped into the room. ‘What happened.’ his father asked.

‘…Wow… What a…dream.’ Simo whispered. Every one laid eyes on him. Ezekhiel suddenly let go of a laugh. His mother smiled for the first time since he arrived at the hospital. She came closer, held his hand and caressed his head, then froze abruptly. A tear came down on her chick when she felt her son’s hand closing on hers. ‘What… happened?’ The medical staff was in disbelief in face of the sudden recovery they just witnessed. ‘Simo? Can you hold my fingers? As hard as you can… Good. Now, can you move your feet for me?… Excellent. Follow the pen with you eyes only. Good, you’re doing good.’ The doctor took a moment to check his pupils dilated normally to the light then asked some simple questions. After the short interrogation, he shared a look with a fellow surgeon. ‘He’s responding well but we are going to keep him under observation for few days to make sure every thing is alright.’ He nodded to the parents, then gave the family some privacy. In the hallway, doctors allowed themselves to exchange some theories on the situation. One theory seemed to be on everyone’s mind. ‘What’s a surge?’ The two doctors and the intern turned around, ambushed by a concerned young man. They shared a look wondering if it was wise to share their thoughts. Ezekhiel waited, insisted. ‘A surge is a state of ephemeral recovery… We saw patients getting suddenly better before…’ – ‘They die.’ He finished. He looked back to his friend and his parents. ‘Why wouldn’t you say something to them?’ The other doctor took the initiative to admit their ignorance on Simo’s case: ‘We’re not sure this is one of them. Simo’s condition is…unique. We can’t anticipate the evolution of his health at this point. All we can do is keep him under surveillance for the next 48 hours.’

‘So?’ Ezekhiel gave an interrogative look. ‘What happened? Where’s the white dwarf? Did it land? Did it create a huge hole that leads to the center of the Earth? Or did it create a huge wave of radioactie particles that transformed people into zombies?’ He was speechless: Ezekhiel just realized that Simo had no idea of what happened the last six months. For him, it looked like a night has passed. A long night. It took him a few seconds to readapt his way of thinking: ‘Euhm, none of that. The Earth is fine.’ Simo looked disappointed. ‘No zombies? Big bats? Vampires? Giants? None of that?’ He shook his head, a smile began to appear on his face. ‘What then?’ Simo insisted. ‘The morning after the white dwarf crashed at Kiho Park, your parents called me  asking if you were at my house. I told them you were still sleeping, then i figured you went to the park to see the star.’ – ‘Clever.’ Simo replied then he examined the surroundings. ‘What? What is it?’ Ezekhiel started to panic. Simo automatically glanced at his right hand then returned his attention on his friend. ‘Nothing, i’m good. Just a feeling of… déjà vu.’ A silence passed: Ezekhiel stared at Simo, hoping the surge wasn’t real, and the latter questionned his sanity. When Ezekhiel went back to his seat, he precipitously grabbed his arm with his right hand. Ezekhiel turned around and saw his friend with a scary face: his eyes were wide open, traveling from right to left, his senses on alert and his heart beating too fast for someone who’s been in bed for so long. His grip was strong as if he wanted a reaction. ‘Dude, it hurts.’ Ezekhiel calmly stated. ‘Are you alright?’ In a blink of an eye, Simo returned to his peaceful self, a smile on his face: ‘All good.’

 

 

THE END.

Time (13)

Time

Full moon. Clouds have deserted the sky, allowing stars to reveal themselves. A sweet breeze lifted the heaviness of the night, making tourists and locals forget their worries. Lamp-posts were dimed, giving directors the perfect setting to play with lights. Music bounced from wall to wall, voices and applause echoed in the air. Glasses broke every now and then. In the midst of all that, a young man wandered in vain, his own sound in his ears. His steps were slow. Unstable. He held his head, massaging his temples in hope that the swords piercing his brain will go away. Images of strangers appeared and disappeared, the ground shifted from concrete to a large forest in a second. A warm pressure suddenly appeared on his right arm.

The weather changed: rain fell abundantly, dark clouds hung above Toai City, cars created an unnatural smoke, blocking the view from fifty miles away. The foggy mood of the streets reminded him of a dark fictif world. Simo found himself in the middle of an intersection. In front of him, two teenagers were sitting at the window table of a coffee shop. The girl seemed to have fun while the guy was lost in his thoughts. He walked in the shop to hear their conversation.

– ‘Hé! Look alive! Am i that boring, today?’ Thea affirmed.

– ‘Ha, sorry! I was thinking about something.’ Ezekhiel said.

– ‘I know. He’s in my mind too, but for now, there’s nothing we can really do.’ She paused. ‘Besides…’

– ‘Waiting, i know.’

– ‘In the mean time, please, look like you’re enjoying this moment.’

They exchanged smiles before the scenery swithed back to his present. His wet clothes dried instantly. Interesting. He looked back at his friend, his pain intensifying.

– ‘A bit intrusive what you just did, isn’t it?’ Ezekhiel said.

– ‘My bad. I wanted to know…’

– ‘Yeah, it’s what i’m saying: intrusive. You’re alright?’ Simo held his head a little tighter.

– ‘You found him! Dang! You’re fast when you want.’ Megan yelled as she joined them.

– ‘Maybe, listenning to music in a loud place isn’t a good idea while having a major headache. Let’s go somewhere more quiet.’

– ‘I know a spot with a nice view.. and very calm.’

After few minutes of walks, they arrived at the top of a small hill. Below them, the population of Toai invested the beach to the edge, where waves crashed. Laid in front of them, endless water. ‘Nice view, indeed.’ Thea said. Megan and Simo shared a glanced: their thoughts went to their common memory, their mind were connected for that split second. ‘You’re feeling better?’ Ezekhiel asked him. He turned to him, nodded then laid down on the grass. ‘When does it start?’ Their voices faded to reduce into silence. He felt his heart pounding in his head, slowed his breathing, relaxed his body and tried to focus on the dark sky. As the pain started to leave, an explosion reverberated in the air, followed by others. Detonations shut everyone up. Simo sat then froze. Colors have painted the sky: green, blue, purple, pink, red, orange and yellow appeared and disappeared on the black background. A symphony. His focus swang from his breathing to his sight: his pain vanished. A smile appeared on his face. The salty wind blew on his face like a bowl of fresh air. It took a deep inspiration, closed his eyes then exhaled. ‘It feels good, right?…Sy? Simo? Si…’

 

When he opened his eyes again, Simo found himself in a room, laying in a bed that wasn’t his. Walls were white and light blue at the same time. Cold. A tone beated to his respiration. Hospital…

 

To be continued

Time (8)

Time

The next morning, Simo woke up alone in his room. Sunlight encompassed him. A strong pain immerged from his eyes. He tried to sit but, as soon as he lifted his head, he started to lose balance. He leaned on his arm but the world kept on spinning around him. The pain migrated to his frontal lobe. A desire to vomit grew in him. The floor below disappeared. His heart beated faster, he was out of breathe and his vision became blurry. Panic got to him. Numbness invaded his body. Mechanically, he moved his fingers and realized there was a solid matter underneath. He focused on that, kept on moving his hand to regain sensation of his body and took deep breaths that slowed his heartbeat. He regained his composure.

‘Simo! Wake up! Josh’s father is here.’ The latter jumped: his pupils dilated, his muscles tightened, his mind lost in between two worlds. Time stood still. Then Simo took a deep inspiration: he forgot to breathe. His sight cleared. He was confused; the floor and the roof were in place. Simo felt the warmth of the sun on his skin and could hear birds cooing outside of the walls. He gazed around and recognized the harmony of his room. Although, what he experienced seemed to be a dream or an hallucination, his headache was very present and it spread to his temporal lobe. ‘What?’ Simo located the origin of his ache. When he looked at Ezekhiel, his eyes burnt. ‘What? Who’s here?’ He said as he stood up. ‘Josh’s father is at your doorstep. Let’s go! Your father is waiting for you to… I don’t know, do something.’ Ezekhiel announced. Five minutes later, Simo joined his parents at the door. ‘Where’s my son?’ Josh’s father. He had no response. ‘Tell me where he is?… JOSH! COME OUT!’ He started to lose his patience. ‘Calm down, sir.’ Simo’s father stepped up. ‘JOSH! You, little scum! You better make him step out or…’ – ‘Or else what?’ Simo interrupted.

The latter stared straight the abusive man in the eyes. Unafraid.

– ‘What are you going to do? Beat me up? Then what? Drag your son out of my house to yours then beat him up a little bit more? I don’t where i’m going with this but i have a question: where’s your wife?’ Simo realized he touched a sensible subject. The man’s face changed. Simo glanced at his right. ‘I’m sorry. I thought wrong: i thought you killed her but from your expression, it seems like you didn’t. I’m guessing you started to drink after her death, then. Trying to forget, grieving, i understand… I saw the pictures on your walls, when we broke in your house. You looked happy: you, Josh and your wife. She didn’t look – how can i say this – like, dangerous. No, that’s not the word…’

– ‘Violent.’ His father helped.

– ‘Violent! That’s it! She didn’t seem violent. None what so ever.’

– ‘Your point being.’ His father tried to shorten his son’s speech.

– ‘My point is that what you’re doing right now, who you’re becoming, right now, isn’t the person she fell in love with. I don’t think that she would have been happy seeing you beating her son like that.’

As Simo voiced his thoughts, Josh’s father felt the anger grow bigger in him to a point where he couldn’t control himself anymore. He walked towards the young man and punched him in the nose. Simo fell on the ground. Josh’s father attempted to hit him more but Simo’s father intervened. Simo’s mother called the police. Ezekhiel ran to Simo to make sure he was alright. And Josh stood there: overwhelmed. The police arrived, five minutes later, breaking the fight bewteen the fathers. Two officers handcuffed both of them and brought them to the police station to clarify the situation in a neutral space. Another asked Simo, his mother and his friends some questions then notified them that a social worker will come within the hour. ‘Here: put some ice on your nose.’ Ezekhiel handed a towel filled with ice cubes. They sat in cercle in the kitchen waiting for the bell to ring. A silence settled.

‘What now?’ Josh’s voice resonated in the air for the first time since he left his house. Simo looked at him. The latter had fear in his eyes. Then Simo turned his head to Ezekhiel hoping he will have an idea. But he remained silent. ‘Wait for the social services to come and we’ll figure it out then.’ Simo’s mother said. Her son took a minute to think. He stared at the table, his hand pressing the towel on his nose. ‘Do you have any family other than your father? Like an aunt or uncle.’ he asked. ‘Grandparents.’ Josh said. ‘My mom’s parents live in New York.’ Simo looked up. He grabbe his phone and handed it to Josh. The latter entered a phone number then handed it back to its owner. ‘Do you talk to them often?’ Simo asked while the tone rang. Josh shook his head. ‘When was the last time you saw them?’ Josh raised four fingers in the air. ‘Months?’ He shook his head again.

– ‘Are they ni…. Hi! Good morning! Am i speacking to Josh Scarrey’s grand-parents?… Hello, sir! I’m sorry to call you this early on Sunday. I am a friend of Josh’s and euhm, there’s a bit of a situation that you might solve with us… Ha? So he was violent even before your daughter died?… Oh. Alright, i see… Yes… He’s fine. He’s next to me right now… I’ll let you talk to him in a minute, he’s eating… Yes, i was wondering, well, we were wondering if it was possible for you to become his foster parents or guardians. To give him a safe place to live until he can fly with his own wings…’

– ‘What are you saying?’ Ezekhiel commented. Simo stepped away.

– ‘Do you know what that implies, right?… I mean, financially, could you handle it?… Oh! Perfect!… Mmh, mmh… Ok, cool! Well, for now, i can’t do much. Since i’m just a kid, still. But a socail worker is going to come to my house to talk to Josh about his situation. We’ll explain to her/him and talk about you… Euh, yes, my mother is here: she’ll do the talking… And after, that, Josh will wall you back to let you in the know. And that would be it… Ok… I let you talk to him.’

On that note, Simo gave his phone to Josh who left the room for more privacy. Simo reported the conversation to his mother and Ezekhiel. An hour later, a woman appeared at their door step. She requisitionned the living room to speak to Josh. Simo’s mother insisted in being next to him throughout the process.

Simo and Ezekhiel were locked out of the conversation. Simo glanced in their directions some time to times but his headache intensified. ‘Are you alright?’ Ezekhiel noticed the discomfort his friend was experiencing. The latter nodded. He massed his skull to ease his pain. It didn’t seem to work: ‘I’m going to lie down for a moment.’ As he walked through the hallway, he met the social worker. She stopped and scanned him, a smile on her face. ‘Hi!’ she introduced herself. Simo turned around. They starred at each other for ten seconds then the social worker realized her strange attitude. ‘You must be Simo. Josh’s friend. The one who convinced him to walk away from his abusive father. Josh yarned me.’ she said as they shook hands. ‘Euh, yeah. I mean, yes.’ Simo replied. She used her right hand.

They teleported to another house, the social worker rejuvenated by twenty years. The room they were in was dark: blinds were shut and lights were off. She looked up to Simo, fear in her eyes. Suddenly, a slammed door made her jump. A man rushed towards her, a belt in his hand. As he came closer, he prepared his arm behind his back. The little girl made a step backward, her hands as only shield. The man was close enough. He swang his arm. The belt followed the movement.

Before the belt touched its target, Simo came back in his own house. The social worker’s face was blank: her eyes were wide open, her heart skipped a beat, a chill went through her spine. Suddenly, her facial expression turned into worry. ‘Your nose… is bleeding. Are you alright?’ Ezekhiel joined them, intrigued by their sudden immobilization. The social worker offered him a tissue but the latter seemed to have frozen. His vision became blurry again then returned to normal. ‘Are you alright?’ Simo looked up: ‘Mmh? Yeah, i’m fine. Sorry.’ The social worker smiled to him. She said goodbye and left.

The three teenagers gathered in Simo’s room. Discussions were flowing like they were old friends. Josh was silent most of the time but a smile appeared on his face. Fear slowly vanished from his mind: he felt safe. When the conversation faded, he asked: ‘How did you know about me?’ Simo took a moment to think: ‘Euhm…’ – ‘You have bruises. When he rescued you at the party, yesterday.’ Ezekhiel responded. Josh was lost in his thoughts. He stood up and enclosed himself in the bathroom. Ezekhiel scanned his friend.

– ‘What’s going on?’ he asked.

– ‘Yesterday, we went to a party…?’ A silence passed.

– ‘Is that a question? Or an affirmation?’ Simo thought.

– ‘A question.’ Another silence.

– ‘Thea’s birthday… You don’t remember?’

– ‘Apparently not.’

– ‘Where do you think we met Josh?’ Simo remained silent. ‘You don’t remember.’

Ezekhiel’s tone was grave. He looked at Simo who seemed worried as well. Am i losing the small control i have on this thing? Simo thought. Josh came back in the room and noticed a familiar look on his saviors’ faces: both of them were scared.

To Be Continued.

Therapy

A day in my life, A day in my mind, Imagination, Random Thoughts

I waited five minutes before the only door at the end of the hallway opened. A man appeared behind it. A dark suit on with a white shirt and a red tie. I thought it was a bit too dress up for a psychologist. But whatever. I stood up as he greeted me then suggested i enter in his office. The room was pretty large, allowing a desk surrounded by three chairs, a couch and a library to coexist. It was quiet. The closed door isolated us from any sound coming from the outside world. A bubble. Safe and dangerous at the same time. He offered me a seat on the couch, right away. I waited for him to sit first then mimicked him. I sat at the edge, far away from him. I look at him: he had a notebook he already wrote on. When he was done, he looked up to me, gave me a smile then waited. After a long minute, anxiety grew in me.

– ‘What are we supposed to talk about?’ i asked.

– ‘I don’t know. What do you want to talk about?’ he replied.

– ‘Euhm, i don’t know.’

– ‘I see that you keep on looking around. What’s on your mind?’ The remark surprised me. I thought i was subtile. I shook me head and raised my shoulders as an answer. ‘You must be thinking of something.’ he insisted.

I hated those kind of questions: what do you think about? Do you trust me? Well, before you asked me that, i did trust you. Now, i think you’re suspicious. So, no, i don’t. When the psychologist said i must be thinking about something, my mind went blank: i stayed quiet. He looked at his watch. I checked the clock on the wall. Seven minutes has passed.

– ‘So we just let the hour pass in silence?’ I slightly nodded. ‘Why did you came here for, then?’ He asked.

– ‘I was asked to. My brother… asked me to.’

– ‘And you always do what he ask you to do?’

– ‘Not always.’

– ‘Why did you choose to do this?’ I thought about it: i was about to say that i didn’t know, but, obviously, it would end the conversation short.

– ‘I don’t know.’ I said it anyway. ‘By curiosity… I guess’ He wrote it down.

– ‘Just out of curiosity? Do you know why he asked you to come to therapy?’

– ‘Euhm, i guess because he’s going to therapy himself. Maybe he wants me to experience the same thing. So that i can undersand.’

– ‘Understand what?’

– ‘Why he’s going to therapy.’

– ‘And do you understand it?’

– ‘I do.’

– ‘Sounds like you didn’t need this to get it.’ I smiled. ‘And why do you think he’s going to therapy?’ I took a minute.’Do you think you need it too?’ I remained silent. ‘How are you doing?’

– ‘I’m good.’ Another question that i hated.

– ‘That doesn’t sound like an honest answer.’

– ‘It didn’t sound like an honest question.’

– ‘Do you think i’m a dishonest person?’

– ‘No. I just think it’s… not a sincere question.’

– ‘Why do you think that?’ I sighed. ‘Tell me.’

– ‘Usually, when people ask that question, they don’t really want to know how the other person is doing. All they want to hear is ‘yes, i’m doing well’. Whether they are a good person or an asshole.’

– ‘What makes you think that?’

– ‘Just…Observation.’ My lips were sealed. He let go of a smile.

– ‘What if i’m really interested in knowing your state? What would be your answer?’

– ‘I’m good.’

– ‘Same answer. Why?’

– ‘Because i am.’

– ‘You don’t open up to people much, do you?’ I looked at him straight in the eyes.’Why is that?’

– ‘No special reason.’ He smiled again. He let a moment pass.

– ‘Tell me: why now?’ I didn’t understand. ‘I’ve been following your brother for few weeks, now. He told me about you, a few times. He told me he asked you many times to come before. So why now? What changed your mind?’

– ‘…It’s her birthday, soon.’ i whispered.

– ‘Your mother’s?’ I nodded. ‘When is it?’

– ‘Friday.’

– ‘And you felt like you needed to talk to someone? How do you feel about it?’ A ghost passed by. ‘What are you going to do that day?’

– ‘I don’t know. Probably nothing.’

– ‘Are you going to meet with your brother?’

– ‘Probably not. I don’t feel like being around people…’

– ‘You feel better on your own?’ I shyly smiled, my look was stuck on the carpet. ‘What are you doing when you’re alone?’

– ‘I stay busy: watching shows, videos, drawing, listening to music…’

– ‘Drawing? What kind of drawing?’

– ‘Euhm, whatever comes to my mind.’

– ‘What was your last drawing?’

– ‘A photography that was taken when i was smaller. I think.’

– ‘You think?’

– ‘I’m not sure that picture truly exists or it’s just a memory i made for myself.’

– ‘You don’t have it?’ I shook my head. ‘What was it?’

– ‘It’s my mom and i in front of our old house. She’s, sort of, leaning on me.’

– ‘So you recreated it?’ I nodded. ‘You think about her often?’

– ‘Every day. Every time i do something, i think about calling her, telling her everything.. But i can’t. Not anymore.’ I paused. Then a laugh slipped as tears blurred my sight.

– ‘What’s funny?’

– ‘Euhm, i…now that she’s gone, i want to talk to her. But, before…I didn’t have anything to tell her. That’s just… that’s just… fucking dumb…I’m an…hyprocrite.’

– ‘Why do you think that?’

– ‘I don’t feel like i have the right to… feel this way.’

– ‘You mean being sad?’ I nodded. ‘You know it’s human. You just lost someone you loved.’ As i satyed quiet, he continued: ‘Why do you feel like you don’t have the rights to be sad?’

– ‘I’ve never… I haven’t shown her my affection. I was cold and mean to her… I rejected her.’ A tear dropped on my hands.

– ‘It’s not your fault, if she’s…’ The psychologist’s sentence faded away.

 

Dumb sentence. I closed my eyes when that thought immerged in my mind. I took few seconds to recollect myself. Then when i opened them, i found myself at my desk, a dozen of files to work on for the day. Noises from the background gently arrived to my ears: people talking, laughing, greeting each other, sounds of printers, computers starting, keybord being smashed by cafeinated fingers. Suddenly, a closer voice pulled me out of that confusing state between reality and dream: ‘Are you ok?’ I looked at my left and saw my co-worker’s concerned face. I realized that my eyes were filled with salty liquid and my chicks were wet. My heart was pounding and my throat closed on itself. I opened my mouth to answer but words couldn’t get through. I stood up, apologized rudly and walked as fast and as discretly as possible to the bathroom.

As soon as i locked myself, i broke down. Fucking imagination…