Therapy

A day in my life, A day in my mind, Imagination, Random Thoughts

I waited five minutes before the only door at the end of the hallway opened. A man appeared behind it. A dark suit on with a white shirt and a red tie. I thought it was a bit too dress up for a psychologist. But whatever. I stood up as he greeted me then suggested i enter in his office. The room was pretty large, allowing a desk surrounded by three chairs, a couch and a library to coexist. It was quiet. The closed door isolated us from any sound coming from the outside world. A bubble. Safe and dangerous at the same time. He offered me a seat on the couch, right away. I waited for him to sit first then mimicked him. I sat at the edge, far away from him. I look at him: he had a notebook he already wrote on. When he was done, he looked up to me, gave me a smile then waited. After a long minute, anxiety grew in me.

– ‘What are we supposed to talk about?’ i asked.

– ‘I don’t know. What do you want to talk about?’ he replied.

– ‘Euhm, i don’t know.’

– ‘I see that you keep on looking around. What’s on your mind?’ The remark surprised me. I thought i was subtile. I shook me head and raised my shoulders as an answer. ‘You must be thinking of something.’ he insisted.

I hated those kind of questions: what do you think about? Do you trust me? Well, before you asked me that, i did trust you. Now, i think you’re suspicious. So, no, i don’t. When the psychologist said i must be thinking about something, my mind went blank: i stayed quiet. He looked at his watch. I checked the clock on the wall. Seven minutes has passed.

– ‘So we just let the hour pass in silence?’ I slightly nodded. ‘Why did you came here for, then?’ He asked.

– ‘I was asked to. My brother… asked me to.’

– ‘And you always do what he ask you to do?’

– ‘Not always.’

– ‘Why did you choose to do this?’ I thought about it: i was about to say that i didn’t know, but, obviously, it would end the conversation short.

– ‘I don’t know.’ I said it anyway. ‘By curiosity… I guess’ He wrote it down.

– ‘Just out of curiosity? Do you know why he asked you to come to therapy?’

– ‘Euhm, i guess because he’s going to therapy himself. Maybe he wants me to experience the same thing. So that i can undersand.’

– ‘Understand what?’

– ‘Why he’s going to therapy.’

– ‘And do you understand it?’

– ‘I do.’

– ‘Sounds like you didn’t need this to get it.’ I smiled. ‘And why do you think he’s going to therapy?’ I took a minute.’Do you think you need it too?’ I remained silent. ‘How are you doing?’

– ‘I’m good.’ Another question that i hated.

– ‘That doesn’t sound like an honest answer.’

– ‘It didn’t sound like an honest question.’

– ‘Do you think i’m a dishonest person?’

– ‘No. I just think it’s… not a sincere question.’

– ‘Why do you think that?’ I sighed. ‘Tell me.’

– ‘Usually, when people ask that question, they don’t really want to know how the other person is doing. All they want to hear is ‘yes, i’m doing well’. Whether they are a good person or an asshole.’

– ‘What makes you think that?’

– ‘Just…Observation.’ My lips were sealed. He let go of a smile.

– ‘What if i’m really interested in knowing your state? What would be your answer?’

– ‘I’m good.’

– ‘Same answer. Why?’

– ‘Because i am.’

– ‘You don’t open up to people much, do you?’ I looked at him straight in the eyes.’Why is that?’

– ‘No special reason.’ He smiled again. He let a moment pass.

– ‘Tell me: why now?’ I didn’t understand. ‘I’ve been following your brother for few weeks, now. He told me about you, a few times. He told me he asked you many times to come before. So why now? What changed your mind?’

– ‘…It’s her birthday, soon.’ i whispered.

– ‘Your mother’s?’ I nodded. ‘When is it?’

– ‘Friday.’

– ‘And you felt like you needed to talk to someone? How do you feel about it?’ A ghost passed by. ‘What are you going to do that day?’

– ‘I don’t know. Probably nothing.’

– ‘Are you going to meet with your brother?’

– ‘Probably not. I don’t feel like being around people…’

– ‘You feel better on your own?’ I shyly smiled, my look was stuck on the carpet. ‘What are you doing when you’re alone?’

– ‘I stay busy: watching shows, videos, drawing, listening to music…’

– ‘Drawing? What kind of drawing?’

– ‘Euhm, whatever comes to my mind.’

– ‘What was your last drawing?’

– ‘A photography that was taken when i was smaller. I think.’

– ‘You think?’

– ‘I’m not sure that picture truly exists or it’s just a memory i made for myself.’

– ‘You don’t have it?’ I shook my head. ‘What was it?’

– ‘It’s my mom and i in front of our old house. She’s, sort of, leaning on me.’

– ‘So you recreated it?’ I nodded. ‘You think about her often?’

– ‘Every day. Every time i do something, i think about calling her, telling her everything.. But i can’t. Not anymore.’ I paused. Then a laugh slipped as tears blurred my sight.

– ‘What’s funny?’

– ‘Euhm, i…now that she’s gone, i want to talk to her. But, before…I didn’t have anything to tell her. That’s just… that’s just… fucking dumb…I’m an…hyprocrite.’

– ‘Why do you think that?’

– ‘I don’t feel like i have the right to… feel this way.’

– ‘You mean being sad?’ I nodded. ‘You know it’s human. You just lost someone you loved.’ As i satyed quiet, he continued: ‘Why do you feel like you don’t have the rights to be sad?’

– ‘I’ve never… I haven’t shown her my affection. I was cold and mean to her… I rejected her.’ A tear dropped on my hands.

– ‘It’s not your fault, if she’s…’ The psychologist’s sentence faded away.

 

Dumb sentence. I closed my eyes when that thought immerged in my mind. I took few seconds to recollect myself. Then when i opened them, i found myself at my desk, a dozen of files to work on for the day. Noises from the background gently arrived to my ears: people talking, laughing, greeting each other, sounds of printers, computers starting, keybord being smashed by cafeinated fingers. Suddenly, a closer voice pulled me out of that confusing state between reality and dream: ‘Are you ok?’ I looked at my left and saw my co-worker’s concerned face. I realized that my eyes were filled with salty liquid and my chicks were wet. My heart was pounding and my throat closed on itself. I opened my mouth to answer but words couldn’t get through. I stood up, apologized rudly and walked as fast and as discretly as possible to the bathroom.

As soon as i locked myself, i broke down. Fucking imagination…

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We’ll do it all on our own.

Imagination

We’ll do it all. Everything. On our own. We don’t need. Anything. Or anyone.

Those words were the last I remember from her. She vanished in front of me in a blink of an eye. I couldn’t do anything to prevent it. Or to stop her. ‘We’ll do it all.’ It keeps repeating in my head. ‘Everything.’ My body is unable to move. And my mind is pausing on the image of her leaving. ‘On our own.’ The world around me slowed down, sounds echoing. I feel nothing. Everything becomes blurring.

It all started few weeks ago. It was the end of a chapter, as she used to say. She was passing her final exams when I heard her say it for the first time. We’ll do it all, everything, on our own. We don’t need anything, or anyone. She looked at me in the eyes as she pronounced the last word. I could feel her determination, her will to succeed without any help. Who could help us anyway. Nobody understood what she was going through or they forgot how it was to be under the pressure of being judge by people who don’t know that your life depends on them. She kept repeating it before each exam. I don’t know where she found the courage to get through it all alone. Few of her classmates gave up in the middle of finals. Some left right before the end. When she passed her last exam, the worst one I think, she felt relieved. I could feel it. So did the others. She screamed to free all of her frustrations, pressure and anger she gathered for the last two years. The next week was supposed to be the easy part, where she was in between lives, waiting without beliefs her results. It was a week where she was still a student on vacation. But something went wrong.

One morning before the results came out, there was a huge sound followed by an earthquake. It woke us up. I went outside to see what was going on. I saw few neighbors getting out as well or putting their heads out. I walked to a main street. It was separated in two by a large hole. Buildings were wiped out. Cars drove right to it. I tried to warn them but, by the time they understood my signals, they were already falling down. Afar, there were dark smocks getting higher in the sky. She joined me. I looked at her: she couldn’t believe her eyes. She grabbed my arm, terrified. A second loud sound came from above us. We looked up. A ball of fire shred the blue sky. It landed not so far from us. A violent wind hit us. It was followed by five seconds of silence then we started to hear screaming. The ground trembled again. It increased more and more until we lost balance. Then the calm came back. I looked at her, checked on her. She seemed to be focus on something: she looked around, analyzing everything. Suddenly, she stood up and dragged me to the apartment. She grabbed a backpack and put her wallet, a charger, few clothes and books, a bottle of water, few papers, her red book, a pen, a pencil and her car key. She changed her shoes without lacing them before rushing outside again. I didn’t notice before I saw it but the ground was shaking again. People were screaming to death. Cries joined sounds of crashing buildings. She poked me on the shoulder as I was stuck on the view of a body crushed by an upside down car. I followed her to the car. We jumped in and she drove away from that craziness. When we were far enough, she looked at me and asked: ‘What the F was that?’ I didn’t have the time to respond that she pulled over the car. In front of us, there was a huge hole. I saw something odd. I opened the window to see more clearly: there was a hand holding on something unstable. I heard a deep voice screaming and a child crying. I was about to inform her but she was already running towards them. I caught up on her. A man was holding his son in his right arm while holding on with his left hand. We lost two seconds staring at each other. Suddenly, she kneeled and reached out to the kid. His father tried to push him up but he was too scared to let go and get in stranger’s arms. She reassured him and finally gained his trust, at least, for the next five minutes. She pulled him to the ground and made sure he wasn’t injured. Then she grabbed the man’s arm. She leaned on her legs and started to push. ‘Come on! Help me help you!!’ On those words, the man was half way out of the hole. On a final effort, she pulled him out. Out of breath, they both lied down for few seconds. The ground shook again. She stood up, addressed me a sign and took her bag and the keys. She gave the man her car key: ‘Take your kid to a safe place. There are three more seats in the car, so take people on your way’, then left.

I caught up on her and tried to keep up with her pace. ‘Where are we going, now?’ I gazed around. People were filthy. Desperate. Lost. The earthquakes were over, so did the screaming. Only cries and our footsteps kept resonating in the air. We walked for hours going nowhere. We saw corpses at every corner. She suddenly stopped. Ahead of us, a woman was screaming for help without anyone hearing her. We ran to her trying to decipher her words: her brother was stuck underneath a wall on the first floor of her house. We looked at each other for a second then rushed to the house. I heard groans from behind a door. She kicked it and ran toward the man on the floor. Blood was flowing all around him. I examined the wall. ‘You can lift it. Find something to use as a lever.’ She took an iron bar and placed it between the man and the wall. She started pushing. The wall mounted up a little bit. She pushed harder. A weird sound preceded a sudden scream. She froze. ‘What was that?’ she asked. ‘Apparently, a big screw was stuck in him.’ She tried to evaluate the space underneath the wall and pushed a little more. ‘Can you move?’ From his screaming, she guessed no.

The wall started to get low. The man noticed it and tried in vain to move his body. The wall approached slowly but steadily the man’s face when, in a loud scream, it flew high. In the middle of its course, it stopped for a second. The man saw a foot coming dangerously close to his face. The foot hit the ground strongly. Then a body hid the wall to make it disappear.

She pushed it on the side and let herself fall with it. They took a moment to catch their breath. Him from seeing death face to face and her from the oddly incredible strength she just delivered. The man tried to sit down after regaining his mind. But she remained lying. I thought it was strange. I came closer and checked on her. She looked me in the eyes with a shy smile on her face. Her shirt turned red. ‘Another screw.’ I pulled her out of it. The bleeding went worse. I put her left hand on the hole: ‘Keep pressure on it’ and helped her walk to what was left of the bathroom. Fortunately, we found a first aid kit. We came back to the man to stop his bleeding and put some bandages around his belly. She made sure he wasn’t badly injured somewhere else before she took care of her own. A small earthquake took us by surprise. A sound of something falling and smashing into something else worried us. When everything was calm again, nothing in the room was destroyed. I helped her stand up: ‘Can you walk?’ she asked. The man could barely stand up but was able to move. She helped him get out of the room. When we faced the stairs, we froze for a moment. I went first to make sure it was steady enough for us to walk on. Then they followed me. In the middle of the stairs, under the man’s steps, a sound of cracking scared us. By the time we turned around, the sound became louder and he disappeared. Thanks to his instincts of survival, he held on what was left of the stairs. By reflexes, she grabbed his arm: ‘Let go!’ His look on his face revealed his fear. ‘Come on, trust me!’ He hesitated for a moment and finally let go. His body went brusquely down a little bit but she had him. I saw on her face that she didn’t have the strength to pull him up anymore. I held on her free arm: ‘You’re gonna put him down.’ She started to get over the stairs. She held on tightly but her arms were trembling. What a dumb idea, really, she thought. Slowly, the man was close enough to jump without getting hurt, so she let go of him. He landed safely on his two feet. She looked down to measure the distance between her and the floor. ‘It will be alright. Come on, let go’. She let go of the stairs. As she did so, her arm met a sharp piece of wood that opened her forearm to her palm. In a scream, she fell on the ground, trampling her ankle. ‘Are you ok?’ the man asked. She stood up. ‘Yes, let’s get out of here.’ We walked out to the man’s sister. She ran to us, relieved, scared and happy at the same time. As they hugged each other, we walked away without a word.

As her blood kept flowing, we walked to an unknown destination. Her pace slowed down and her skin became pale. She could hardly breathe. I stopped her in the middle of the street. I sat her down against a destroyed building, pulled out the bottle of water and made her drink few sips. I looked around if there was anything I could use to make her feel better. But there was nothing. Not even a single person. She looked me in the eyes, a bigger smile on her face. ‘We’ll do it all, everything, on our own. We don’t need anything, or anyone.’ A strong wind blew the dirt on the floor. It was so thick I lost sight of her. ‘Hang on!’ I heard myself shout. ‘Hey!!’ But when the view became clearer, it was too late. Her eyes were closed, her heart stopped beating and her hand let go of mine. She vanished.

Her words keep repeating in my head. My body is unable to move and my mind is pausing on the image of her smile. The world around me slowed down, sounds echoing. I feel nothing. Everything becomes blurring. I freeze in this street, alone. I feel a small breeze going through my chest. I start to get cold. I look down at my hand. I can see through it. I’m disappearing as well. I sit down next to her. I put my hand on hers. I can feel her body no more. The breeze becomes warmer. I look up. The sky is clothed by grey clouds. I hear the rain starting to fall. The smell of it invades the air. I gaze around. Rain on buildings seemed to be tears. I feel tired. I close my eyes, lulled by the sound of rain. ‘See you on the other side’.

Like other days

A day in my life

We are Sunday. The last day of a long week. I’m exhausted of working that hard for the last past month BUT it was worth it: i finally got a job that can be combined with school! So the fatigue is a good fatigue: i chilled all week-end to gather back some energy and keep going ham for the rest of the year and beyond. Now i’m going to sleep.

The Next Day

7:00 AM : An alarm rings suddenly, pulling me out of a weird dream where i was locked underground with strangers – but we knew each other, i don’t know how – and we were trying to save ourself from a zombie attack. Two of them came out of the dark trying to eat one of my friends from behind. I rushed towards them, knocked down the first one and strangle the second one until he couldn’t move no more. Then i let go of him, stood up and looked at the zombie i just killed: it was a human being… A man.

I opened my eyes, as the ringtone of my phone getting louder and louder. I turn it off and lie on my bed in a semi-coma for five minutes.

7:05 AM : I finally decide to get off of my bed. I get down the five stairs that separate me to the floor, choose some clothes and disappear in the bathroom.

7:35 AM : After a quick shower and getting dressed, i get out of the bathroom, head to the kitchen to take few sips of milk. I go back to the bathroom, wash my teeth, come back to my room to take my bag, my keys and i am ready to go.

7:40 AM : i look at my phone to check the time: 7:40… Too early. I set up an alarm on my phone, fell on my couch and take a nap.

8:05 AM : An alarm goes on. I wake up faster than before. I grab my bag and leave my appartment. I open the door of my building and face the fresh air of a motorcycle. I cough and start to walk slowly toward the tramway.

8:15 AM : Music in my ears, i arrive at the Victory Station. The tram arrive at the same time. Nice timing. I go inside and let myself drive for two station.

8:21 AM : I get down and head to an other tram station to catch a different one. As i get closer to the station, i check how long it’s going to come. 2 min.

8:23 AM : The tram arrive. I look inside to check if there is not any controller. I see a first man with a white shirt, black suit pants and a bag on his side. I start to get nervous. Then i see an other one. My nervousity grows. I keep checking. The doors open and i stared at them leaving the tram. They were just random workers. Pfiuuuu. I take the tram and let myself drive away with other students.

8:38 AM : I get down at my final station. I look up to check the time. 8:38: i have time. I walk really slowly. Ahead of me, i see two of my co-workers. They walk fast – at least faster than me – and i don’t want to catch up on them. With me, there are economics students that are going toward their university.

8:49 AM : I finally ring at the door of my work building.

8:50 AM : The door rings, i open it and disappear behind it. I open an other door. A woman is sitting behind a desk busy at cleaning all the papers that was left there. I say : ‘Goodmorning!’. She reply : ‘Hello. How are you?’ I smile at her : ‘I’m fine, and you?’ She just nods and whispers : ‘Thanks’. Then i enter in the next room where my boss and a co-worker work : ‘Goodmorning!’ They look up at me and reply in choir. I leave them at their job, cross a small passage and make my entrance in a larger room where most of the employee work. I scream : ‘GOOD MORNING!’ because of the noise they make. They all turn to me and wave, nod or say ‘hi’. I leave them to put my stuff in the locker room and to put my blouse on.

8:55 AM : I come back in the large room, take my seat and start to work.

11:04 AM : My arm starts to ache and my eyes are getting tired of being open. They want to sleep more.

11:06 AM : I start to get hungry. My stomach makes noises and my right hand tremble a little bit. My mind can’t stop thinking about what i’m about to eat : some fat Mac Donalds.

11:58 Am : I put down my work, stand up and put off my blouse as everyone else started to leave to get lunch. I go to the locker room, take my bag and say : ‘Have a nice lunch’ to everyone i see.

12:00 PM : I’m out, heading to Mac Donalds. I have two hours to eat so i’m taking my time to go there.

12:10 PM : I wait in the line to order my food. Therer a lot of high school students. I never noticed there was an high school just right in front of this Mac Donalds. They are well placed.

12:04 PM : An employee come to me : ‘Hi! I’m here to take your order and you will pay at the checkout, right in front of you.’ I nod and order a menu maxi best of Mc Chicken with fries and Coke. She registers everything and a tiket comes out of her little machine. I take it and wait again.

12:06 PM : I give my ticket to the girl who works at the checkout. She asks me : ‘Is it to go?’ I shake my head and she starts to prepare my tray.

12:08 PM : I take a seat next to a window and begin my meal.

12:38 PM : I finish my ‘plate’ and push it a lil further on the table. I put a book out of my bag with a pencil and a gum. Then i start to draw.

1:04 PM : My eyes are closing themself. So i took a nap after setting up an alarm.

1:05 PM : I open my eye and realize i just fell asleep. I keep drawing until fifteen to one.

1:45 PM : I leave Mc Donalds to go back at work.

4:35 PM : I look up at the clock. I wanna go home!! My arm still ache and I’m starting to get hungry again

6:00 PM : I pack all my stuff, leave the locker room, say goodbye to everyone and walk slower than ever to home.

6:10 PM : I wait at the train station. He’s arriving in two minutes.

6:14 PM : They need to reconsiderate their minutes…

6:29 PM : I switch tram.

6:35 PM : I get down and walk to home.

6:55 PM : I am at home. I put my bag on the floor next to the couch. turn on my computer and the TV. I open my window to ventilate my room. I go to the kitchen to grab something to eat and to drink, bring it all in the main room of this small cosy appartment and fall on my couch. I’m checking my mails, my sites. Wow! Lots of comments. Nice. I answer to some of them.

8:20 PM : I finish eating – yes, it takes me that long – and begin to work on my lessons to be ready for my finals in few months.

9:00 PM : I answer to my mom’s call.

9:45 PM : She calls again. We speak for only two minutes. Why she call?

11:45 PM : I take my longboard, go outside to breath some fresh air.

11:55 PM : I come back home. I put away my board, put on my pajamas, climb on my bed and fall of it like a beached whale.

12:00 AM : I fall asleep.

The next day, around one o’clock in the afternoon, someone caught me drawing. The girl was joigned by her friends and they started to talk to me for twenty minutes. At the end of it, i gave them my card and left.

When i think about it, it’s pretty much how my days are now. Except that i will be more focuse on what i do. So my to-do list is reachable. All I need to do now is be focus… Argh, not today: i love my lazyness.

Adventure in sight

Postaday

Sunrise

Before summer begins, i decided to watch the summer sunrise along the river that cross the town. Summer almost passed as quickly as i could blink my eye – not really fast but not that slow either – i was busy, people came over, i left for couple of weeks and i was too lazy. But then, after two weeks of being a sloth and transforming myself into a bat, i had the courage to stay up all night on the last days of august. Around half an hour before the sun rises, i took my longboard and left my confortable bed to face the early morning fresh air. I rode to the docks. i sat down next to the Mirror of water. In front of me, there’s the other half of the city. The skyline is set up. I’m waiting twenty minutes before the sun shows his first ray. The sky was light blue, dressed with some thin clouds teinted by shades of orange. Few people passed in front of me: some of them were early runners, others just took a walk, a guy drived by twice giving a weird look like i was crazy just sitting there, and two other men were in the garden next to me.

They looked like they were looking for something. They made me think of the beginning of a game that everyone must know, even just the name: ‘Pokemon’. They are at the start of their journey and they are trying to find some pokemon friends to accompany them. As soon as they will find a wild charmander or – with a lot of luck – a wild pikachu, they will leave the city toward the compaign seeking for adventures.

A warm and blindful light reached my eye. I looked straight ahead of me and there it goes: the sun started to show up. He was shy at the beginning but imposes quickly his presence. The sky looked beautiful that morning. A mix of yellow, orange, light blue and shades of gray. Some clouds invited themselves to the party. It was magnificent.

Five minutes later, i went back home, sprawled myself on my bed and fell asleep in two seconds.