The climb

A day in my mind, IRL

I lost my mother. – Strange. The heaviness of that sentence has left. – It’s been almost two years. I’m not saying that my griefing process is coming to an end, but, it’s coming to an end. – Well, it feels like it – During the past two years, i’ve been at the trough of the wave: feeling nothingness to sadness, by way of guilt and regrets. The first few months, i forbid myself to laugh, to be happy. When i cracked a smile, an image of her – Well, the image of her absence – appeared in my mind. I faked wellness in front of people, as i tried to manage that image, that idea. The hole. That was emptiness.

Then came regrets. – Plural – As my consciousness slowly resurfaced to enable my capacity to make choices, my latest thoughts resurfaced too. The choice i made. The action i didn’t take. A new feeling grew: a pain that i couldn’t – still can’t – get rid of. And it hurt like hell. I screamed at the top of my voice and cried tears i never knew were in me, around the same date every month, in hope of making the pain go away. It didn’t work. The pain remained. Grew even stronger. Regrets became guilt.

I often asked myself if i could have done something to change the course of history. If making that call would have change something. If saying those words would have made her heart beat a little longer. I became self-centered and focused on myself. Isolation was my answer to death. I figured that if it all comes to this unexplicable and sudden end, there was no point on creating bridges with others. The result is just pain. This is sadness. I dove into it: listenning to her favorite song over and over and over and over and over again.

At a certain point, – this would be around the first anniversary – i was tired of having a dark cloud above my head. I tried to sincerely smile, laugh and enjoy every peaceful moments where i had no defined emotions, where emptiness turned into a luxury. But a thought always came back: don’t forget, don’t let time erase this feeling. I developped a semi-bipolar personality: my sleep was interrupted every three hours, nightmares invaded my brain, suicidal thoughts were passing through, my interest for art faded slowly.

Then anger filled every cell of my body without me acknowledging it. I noticed that my balance positivity/negativity was skewed. I began to see my future, stuck into a routine, surrounded by whiny, unorganized and close-minded people, always working overtime for nothing. –  See, negativity. – Frustration grew along. I became a crank. Once i realized it, I tried to manage my emotions as much as i could. But my mind was still clouded. – This was recently. – I looked for a change, took actions to create the change. I don’t want to surrender to this life. But everything that i began fell through. The walls drew closer. I suffocated.

When finally, a breath of fresh air present itself: i had a raise. – the greedy side of me came out strong, here. – For some reasons, when my boss told me that, i felt relief. – And i remembered specifically a spray of split flying from his mouth to somewhere very close to me. – A weight on my shoulders was taken. I slept well that night.

Fast forward to more recently. A thought started to blossom in my mind: am i allowed to live? At this point, i began to feel like myself again: plans were made for the future and inspiration and motivation came back. Then, my brother entered into a civil partnership with his girlfriend. – This was last week. – During the celebration party, their friends stopped the music to put the wedding theme and offer them a scratchbook to remember the moment, i looked at my brother, in the center of the crowd, laughing and in peace, – A bit embarrassed by the attention, too – and i thought to myself: he’s living. It’s allowed. Nothing bad is happening. This is a pure moment of joy and sadness is nowhere to be found. I finally accepted it: i can just be. Without repercutions.

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Life (12)

Life

‘Karen!’ Thomas Sawyer pulled over on the crosswalk, got out of his car, slammed his door, attracting her attention, then walked to them. ‘Where have you been?’ He shouted, his eyes locked on his daughter. ‘Your brother has been found by…’ For a split second, his attention shifted to his right, noticing two men next to her: one of them with a thin light around him and the other one with a dead look. His pace stopped abruptly. A wave of clarity hit him. ‘You would wonder how he could become evil!’ He made a realization: ‘The child…’. Without any further thought, his fist tightened automatically as he came closer and, in a flowing movement, his hand smashed into the young man’s jaw who stumbled without a reaction. Unlike his friend who made a quick step forward that stopped dead. Sawyer glanced at the latter: a hand held him back. A second later, a huge amount of energy appeared further on his right. Thomas Sawyer felt a weight crashing on his shoulders. He stepped back slowly, as a man approached him. His palms were sweating, his heart pounding in his chest, making his breathing heavier. His back hit a tree and the man’s face was inches away from his. Sawyer couldn’t help himself but to dive into his eyes: they were filled with hate and anger. In the most calm voice ever, the man said:

‘Don’t ever touch him again.’ Sawyer swallowed with difficulty. They stood still a moment, before the man turned his back to get to the young adults. Gravity still weighed heavily on Sawyer’s body and air started to rarefy in his lungs. The man glanced at him one last time before lightening up the atmosphere.

‘Because of your son, mine ended up in a hospital.’ Thomas Sawyer claimed. The man stopped his walk short, took a deep breathe then turned around.

‘I don’t see the corrolation.’

‘Peace was made because you were dead. Your name resurfaced once and my son gets tortured.’ The man glanced behind him then laid his eyes on Sawyer again.

‘It’s what you did after that led to his torture. Not us.’ Sawyer remained silent.

 

Since his daughter mentionned the child, a terrifying idea bloomed in his mind: the family he once served was still alive and threatning his peace and family. Sawyer was on alert, analizing any odd event that could occure. Then began to see a pattern: Garner was building his empire back. Sawyer felt the sword of Damocles hanging close above his head. After assessing his situation, he decided to protect himself and his own by any means necessary. And for that, he contacted old partners, asking questions and therefore spread his suspicions to the world. One day, one of his fears became reality: his youngest son has been caught. For days, he looked everywhere, each corner of the city were combed and yet, he found nothing. Until an early morning, when the city broke, an barely audible groaning behind his main door attracted Sawyer’s attention. As he opened the door, he stared for a second at the body lying before his feet. Regaining his senses, he rushed to carry his son into his car then to a hospital.

 

‘You shouldn’t have done what you did.’ he said.

‘We did nothing wrong.’

‘You did that.’ He pointed at the young man next to his daughter. The man’s eyes changed: death appeared.

That is my son. He’s name is Chris Turner. Don’t forget that.’ Miles Turner kept a frightening composure. He took another breathe. ‘What we did didn’t arm anyone. You were the one murdering my family and friends. You are the one who did wrong.’ He paused. ‘But it is a time gone long ago. That doesn’t involve my son nor yours. You may blame me and my name for any of your fears for the future. But on this moment, you can only blame yourself for what is happening.’ Miles Turner noticed that he pushed a sensitive button and, before things got out of hand, he decided to walk away. As he turned his back, his attitude swifted: his body relaxed, his heartbeat slowed down and his eyes showed nothing but love when he put them on his son. ‘Are you alright?’ Chris nodded. ‘Let’s go home. Our situation is in jeopardy. You’re coming too, John.’

 

To be continued